Top Search Terms to Find My Blog

But first a word from our sponsor. FREE ON AMAZON FROM JANUARY 2ND TILL JANUARY 5TH. Many of you may find this offensive but, coming from me, what else is new but I have another book available for your reading pleasure.

So many stories from the Bible make absolutely no sense and I decided it was my life’s duty to compile them into one glorious volume of hilarity. I mean the material was practically handed to me and I couldn’t resist.

I offer my commentary on Lot, a pretty big deal with God, banging and impregnating his daughters. Like if there was a picture of Lot with God, God would be flashing a thumbs up at this guy.

God clearly hates women too. I have a whole chapter dedicated to God’s disdain for the fairer sex.

Available on Amazon. Just click on the book.

slanderingGod

The Top Search Terms to Find My Blog

So I’ve been doing this blogging thing for almost a year now. It would be pretty cool if I weren’t about fifteen years behind the rest of the world but I’m old and slow to adopt. In spite of being behind the curve, I find this whole blogging thing fascinating. At first I thought it would be fun to just write about some of my Top 5 lists, for no other reason but to see what I came up with. Then people actually started reading this stuff and even more amazingly, digging it. Because I loved the reception, I decided to write about anything that came into my head and conjured up even a modicum of emotion. In reality, a lot of things piss me off and I enjoy complaining which provides me with a never ending fountain of material.

The most fascinating aspect of this experience has to be the list my hosting company provides me of search terms used to find my website. The list is rather extensive and you may or may not be surprised to hear that not one of them is even the least bit flattering.

Years ago I read an article making the claim that porn was responsible for 80% of the internet traffic. If that 80% figure was an accurate number back then, then today, based on what I see, in my own little blog world, that figure is 99%. 99% of the terms used to search the internet, causing people to stumble onto jpshaversays.com are porn related. I’m not sure why this is because I don’t write about porn. No doubt, knowing myself quite well, I have made mention of porn but I’ve posted no raunchy pictures nor have I gone into any detail on donkey sex in Tijuana. No, what I believe is going on here is that, like I said, 99% of the searching done on sites like Google are regular people, aka perverts, hell bent on a massive electronic poon quest. Sure you have your standard searches for “how do I get my husband to share his feelings” or “I want to know more about wine without becoming a pretentious douche,” but those are outnumbered almost 100 to 1 by, “how to get in my girlfriends butt” and “erasing my browsing history.”

Retard

I realize that I use this politically incorrect and offensive term too often in my writing and in my regular life but, let’s face it, it’s quite descriptive and funny at the same time. The number one search term in this category is “retard.” Okay, I get this one. I checked and I’ve used this word over one-hundred times in just under forty blog posts but most of the time, in my defense, it was quite apropos. Though the time I referred to Hitler as a retard may be construed as offensive to the actual retard.

In second place, “retard people” and “retard boy” are tied in some kind of race between grammatical troglodytes. The proper linguistic terms would be “retarded people” and retarded boy.” Duh. There is something strikingly ironic about an idiot Googling the word “retard” using improper grammar. Was it a hunt for self-help possibly?

Gary Dean Prewitt Money Laundering

I would have written this off as a simple mistake had it not happened over a dozen times. It’s not one of the biggest words in terms of sheer volume in finding my blog but it is by far the strangest. Who in the hell is Gary Dean Prewitt and why is he in my blog? I’ve never once mentioned him or money laundering. If I alone have over a dozen hits on the Prewitt guy there must be thousands of people on the hunt for the straight poop on felonious doings.

I Googled it and couldn’t even find anything so…

Porno

There are so many porn related terms used to find jpshaversays.com that to list them here would take more words than you have attention to give so I’m going to stick to the most prevalent, weird and of course, perverse.

The first smut password granting entrance into my blog is the confusing phrase, “song then porno.” What does this even mean and why does it find its destination in my blog so many times? What is the intent of this search? Near as I can guess, these people need to be transitioned into their hardcore porn obsession with a nice tune. A seamless transition with none of that annoying extra clicking that comes with so many other “song then porno” sites. Like, “I just want to hit this button once, hear a nice song, maybe some smooth jazz then go straight to my Asian midget anal fisting melange. Is that too much to ask for? Dammit!”

These next two are more specific to my name, which at least adds some relevance but are no less confusing. “Porno JP,” My first thought was that some people, hot chicks, of course, so enjoyed my writing that they immediately thought that they must see if there are any nude pictures of me on the internet. Kind of like when you do a quick search to see if there are any nude shots of the new Bond girl. Fortunately, there are no nudies of me out there. I’m a pretty snappy dresser so it’s best that photos of me are of the clothed variety. The sheer volume of ear hair that I have to wrestle with on a daily basis should serve as a harbinger to anyone looking for more of me to immediately halt all proceedings. Yet and still, I have no idea what “porno JP” means.

“shaver porno,” I think I can format an idea in my head as to what these people had in mind with this search because it also fell in with, “shaver box” and “shaver vag.” I think what horrifies me more than anything, including the references to porn in my name, is the atrocious grammar used by these desperately horny people to discover their odd form of electronic carnal pleasure. It’s “shave her porno” you idiot not “shaver porno!” I not too worried about my fine name being sullied by association with this crowd though as I’m pretty sure that when these “titans of wisdom” hit the first polysyllabic word on my site, they clicked out to rejoin their quest for shorn genitals.

I’ve saved my favorite one for last. It reads like a mother’s desperate and tragic search for help for her sexually maligned son. This phrase, “son couldn’t take anymore porn” has led to my website more than fifty times and, let’s face it, jpshaversays.com is not visited like say an ESPN.com would be. If over fifty people have stumbled onto jpshaversays.com searching for “son couldn’t take anymore porn” then there are a lot of hurting mothers out there.

What happened to this poor “son” who “couldn’t take anymore porn?” Did he spend so much time in front of the computer looking at porn so withdrawn from the world that his penis exploded? Did he turn into a zombie vegetable with a permanent erection? Something major happened to this poor kid and we are left to only guess at what tragedy befell him. Did he run away and join the French Foreign Legion hoping to outdistance his nasty addiction to smut?

I have a vision of this poor soul slouched in the corner of his dark room looking like a victim of late stage progeria, crooked beret awkwardly balanced on his greasy head, in full French military regalia furiously masturbating himself into oblivion until, in a desperate attempt to save his so called life, his mother bursts through his locked bedroom door and immediately commandeers his laptop and furiously Googles “son couldn’t take anymore porn.”

And as always, who doesn’t want to read about my vasectomy experience or the time The Beach Boys set my car on fire?

 

Billy Joel gone full retard….

Billy Joel

I have for many decades kept Top 5 lists on hundreds of subjects. I feel like it helps me define myself in some twisted way. Now that would also mean that there has to be at least five items to add to a particular list, hence I have no Top 5 Best Nickelback Songs but they surely could show up on my worst things ever list along with Hitler and cheap toilet paper that lets poo get on my finger.

I love Billy Joel, not the late 80’s Billy Joel but the 70’s and early 80’s Billy Joel and I hate Christy Brinkley.

Billy Joel brought us songs like Piano Man and Captain Jack in the 70’s. His songs were not songs you play to feel good, they were filled with emotion. He was a man who sang about life and mostly the pain of life. He was a man you would want to sit down and have a drink with, mostly because he would make you feel good about your issues while he laid out his fucked up morass. His album The Stranger doesn’t have a bad song on it and could easily stand as a greatest hits collection on its own. Enter Christy Brinkley. You’ve heard the term “Jump the Shark?” She made Billy Joel jump the shark; he went full retard.

Back in the 70’s there was a television show called Happy Days, not great TV but it was all we had. There was a character, Fonzie, who was your typical 50’s badass, leather jacket and all, except he never really did anything bad. Well, I guess he rode a motorcycle and in 70’s television his hog was a euphemism for gang rape, hard drugs and irreverent music. Today’s “Fonzie” would be shown raping women, shooting heroin while head bangin to Foo Fighters but back then you’d have to lobby the Federal Communications Commission to say the word hormone.

Anyway, this stupid character Fonzie decides that he is going to jump over shark infested waters on waterskies, of course, wearing his trademark leather jacket. Can’t imagine salt water being good for fine leather but from then on the show was absolutely unwatchable. Fonzie cleaned up his act and I think actually became a teacher. Hence the term, “jump the shark.”

Seriously, New York State of Mind is one of the best songs ever made. It literally makes you want to be in the city and I hate New York City. This man who brought us such amazing music meets this horrible yet admittedly gorgeous model at the top of her field and suddenly he’s giving us the likes of Uptown Girl? The video alone makes me recoil in horror. He’d doing choreographed dancing in an auto repair shop in it for God’s sake! It’s like he was under anesthesia and woke up saying incoherent, idiotic things and someone happened to be there filming it and, oh yeah, they showed it to millions of people. Lord knows we’ve all done stupid and embarrassing things to try an impress a women just not in front of the world on a stage, or an auto repair shop, in this case.

Speaking of videos, the number one worst video of all time has got to be “Dancing in the Streets” featuring David Bowie and Mick Jagger. If you haven’t seen this I encourage you to find it via your favorite search engine and watch the most deplorable display of bisexuality ever filmed. Mick’s shirt actually becomes more and more untucked and unbuttoned as the video progresses. It’s like a four minute play by play of Bowie undressing him. I actually turn away from embarrassment while watching it.

Back to Billy Joel, all of the passion for the agony that was his life was now being spewed out of him in gay theatrics and pathetic pandering to this horrible women. I don’t begrudge Joel happiness and certainly none of us would have turned down a chance to bang Christy Brinkley but, damn, hold on to at least a shred of your dignity!

I also had the impression that he was rubbing her in our collective faces. Kind of like one of those fuckstick kids in your neighborhood who always got ice cream and made sure to come outside and eat it in front of everybody.

I have an idea that at this point in his life even Joel realized what a jackass he made of himself because he has vowed to never make an album again citing “not wanting to open himself emotionally.” All I can say is, thanks, because if it’s going to be some testament to getting laid, I can do without it.

That being said, here’s my list of the Top 5 Best Billy Joel Songs –

Best Billy Joel Songs

New York State of Mind

Vienna

The Stranger

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

Baby Grand (I believe this to be a post-gay release but still good)