Billy Joel gone full retard….

Billy Joel

I have for many decades kept Top 5 lists on hundreds of subjects. I feel like it helps me define myself in some twisted way. Now that would also mean that there has to be at least five items to add to a particular list, hence I have no Top 5 Best Nickelback Songs but they surely could show up on my worst things ever list along with Hitler and cheap toilet paper that lets poo get on my finger.

I love Billy Joel, not the late 80’s Billy Joel but the 70’s and early 80’s Billy Joel and I hate Christy Brinkley.

Billy Joel brought us songs like Piano Man and Captain Jack in the 70’s. His songs were not songs you play to feel good, they were filled with emotion. He was a man who sang about life and mostly the pain of life. He was a man you would want to sit down and have a drink with, mostly because he would make you feel good about your issues while he laid out his fucked up morass. His album The Stranger doesn’t have a bad song on it and could easily stand as a greatest hits collection on its own. Enter Christy Brinkley. You’ve heard the term “Jump the Shark?” She made Billy Joel jump the shark; he went full retard.

Back in the 70’s there was a television show called Happy Days, not great TV but it was all we had. There was a character, Fonzie, who was your typical 50’s badass, leather jacket and all, except he never really did anything bad. Well, I guess he rode a motorcycle and in 70’s television his hog was a euphemism for gang rape, hard drugs and irreverent music. Today’s “Fonzie” would be shown raping women, shooting heroin while head bangin to Foo Fighters but back then you’d have to lobby the Federal Communications Commission to say the word hormone.

Anyway, this stupid character Fonzie decides that he is going to jump over shark infested waters on waterskies, of course, wearing his trademark leather jacket. Can’t imagine salt water being good for fine leather but from then on the show was absolutely unwatchable. Fonzie cleaned up his act and I think actually became a teacher. Hence the term, “jump the shark.”

Seriously, New York State of Mind is one of the best songs ever made. It literally makes you want to be in the city and I hate New York City. This man who brought us such amazing music meets this horrible yet admittedly gorgeous model at the top of her field and suddenly he’s giving us the likes of Uptown Girl? The video alone makes me recoil in horror. He’d doing choreographed dancing in an auto repair shop in it for God’s sake! It’s like he was under anesthesia and woke up saying incoherent, idiotic things and someone happened to be there filming it and, oh yeah, they showed it to millions of people. Lord knows we’ve all done stupid and embarrassing things to try an impress a women just not in front of the world on a stage, or an auto repair shop, in this case.

Speaking of videos, the number one worst video of all time has got to be “Dancing in the Streets” featuring David Bowie and Mick Jagger. If you haven’t seen this I encourage you to find it via your favorite search engine and watch the most deplorable display of bisexuality ever filmed. Mick’s shirt actually becomes more and more untucked and unbuttoned as the video progresses. It’s like a four minute play by play of Bowie undressing him. I actually turn away from embarrassment while watching it.

Back to Billy Joel, all of the passion for the agony that was his life was now being spewed out of him in gay theatrics and pathetic pandering to this horrible women. I don’t begrudge Joel happiness and certainly none of us would have turned down a chance to bang Christy Brinkley but, damn, hold on to at least a shred of your dignity!

I also had the impression that he was rubbing her in our collective faces. Kind of like one of those fuckstick kids in your neighborhood who always got ice cream and made sure to come outside and eat it in front of everybody.

I have an idea that at this point in his life even Joel realized what a jackass he made of himself because he has vowed to never make an album again citing “not wanting to open himself emotionally.” All I can say is, thanks, because if it’s going to be some testament to getting laid, I can do without it.

That being said, here’s my list of the Top 5 Best Billy Joel Songs –

Best Billy Joel Songs

New York State of Mind


The Stranger

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

Baby Grand (I believe this to be a post-gay release but still good)

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