Gwyneth Paltrow Sucks

Gwyneth Paltrow Sucks

I recently stumbled on this headline:

Gwyneth Paltrow Tries To Live On a $29 Food Stamp Budget For A Week, Fails

Let it be known now that I have no love for celebrities and seeing a headline like this is like throwing raw meat into a lion cage. The thing I detest most about these self-important morons is their assumption that we have any concern whatsoever about what they think about social and especially political issues. Like, why are these people consulted on politics? Yes, please tell me who I should vote for perched in your 25 million dollar estate because surely we have so much in common. Why am I subjected to the likes of Sean Penn sitting down with Hugo Chavez of Venezuela to discuss foreign policy? Did Penn even graduate high school? What credentials does he have to rationalize his presence in a powwow with the leader of a foreign country? He was Spicoli for God’s sake!

I remember this guy Harry Thomason was always hunkering down with the Clinton’s back in the 90’s. As the producer of the show Designing Women, of course, he had every right to be helping to set policy on foreign affairs and domestic policy. (In case you missed it, that line was served with a very heavy dose of sarcasm.)

So back to this food challenge, it basically breaks down to trying to feed oneself on a meager pittance of $1.38 per meal for seven consecutive days. The challenge was thrown at Princess Gwyneth by #FoodBankNYCChallenge and was also offered to Debbie Harry of Blondie fame and well know douche bag Sting. I am not privy to knowing nor do I care if Blondie or Sting accepted. Sting is a giant asshole or at least I have always perceived him to be an asshole. He is the worst kind of self-righteous, pseudo-intellectual dingbat, so he was probably busy elsewhere surely tied to a tree trying to save the Amazonian rain forest. I’m sure he was also hesitant as one needs more calories than $1.38’s worth of nourishment to keep up with the tantric sexual lifestyle of his that he shoves in our faces continually.

Like, really, Sting? Maybe if I didn’t have this thing we like to call a job, I could sit around and make my orgasms last for hours too. As it stands now, I need to keep my job and make it by on my thirty seconds of occasional carnal pleasure. You keep making your tantric videos, though, and maybe someday I’ll have enough money set aside so I can nut in my pants all day. Eat shit you elitist d-bag!

I had to Google Debbie Harry as I wasn’t even sure, frankly, if she was still alive, I haven’t heard a peep from her since her hay day back in the 80’s. She, apparently, is still around but looking rather emaciated and the pictures left me with the feeling that $1.38 in food might be more than she can handle. By the looks of her, she would do herself a service if she blew the whole wad on some candy bars and signed up for the WIC program for some free cans of Ensure. It would simply be cheating if she accepted the food challenge at this time.

Surely this privileged bleeding heart adventure into temporary poverty was meant to prove the point that $1.38 per meal isn’t enough for a person to be properly nourished which is true as I just paid six dollars for a gas station tuna sandwich and a bag of Munchos.

Writers note:

I like food. I like to shop for it, cook it and eat it. I may be the only straight man with a Pinterest account and I have it purely for the recipes. In spite of my love for food, my all-time favorite meal is a gas station tuna sammich and a bag of Munchos washed down with chocolate milk and topped off with a 3 pack of Ho-Ho’s. I prefer to eat this smorgasbord in the car, I just think it tastes better.

What bothered me was the list of things this idiot, Gwyneth, purchased with her $29. To my thinking, when one has only thirty or so dollars to spend on something as vital to staying alive as food is, you go for the cheapest items that bring the highest nutritional return like beans, for instance. Beans are high in protein and cheap. With $29, I’m loading up on as many bags of dried beans as I can, leaving just enough for a big bottle of hot sauce to cover up the nasty taste of this vile weed. The only other ingredient I’ll need for this bean feast of mine is the water to boil them in. Guaranteed, I will be sick to death of beans but I will be well fed and alive.

And while Gwyneth did buy a bag or two of beans she also bought:

A giant head of cilantro

One, and I repeat, one ear of corn

Seven limes

A head of garlic

Please tell me what she planned for the single ear of corn. I know she’s skinny and all but damn. Let me just say this and I mean it with all respect, poor people don’t eat cilantro and limes, they are a luxury. Limes really serve no purpose anyway outside of enhancing the flavor of my Corona and truthfully I’m probably not picking up a sixer of beer with only thirty bucks to spend a week. Plus limes cost like a buck a piece. No doubt the poor would probably like to indulge in the occasional flavor enhancer but when you have 30 bucks a week to subsist on, taste is probably not real high on your list of priorities, staying alive takes precedence. Garlic would also, sadly, fall into the category of an indulgent guilty pleasure.

It seems this Gwyneth creature also “curates” her own website titled, Gwyneth claims that “Goop is one of the rare places on the web where food, shopping and mindfulness collide.” Okay, I can get behind something like this and I am actually marginally intrigued to dig further at this point. She continues, “We are all resource strapped so Goop hopes to surface the very best….” So apparently Gwyneth the Terrible is in tune with regular families and the constant struggle to make a dollar stretch as far as possible. I can get behind this too. I mean, I’m not naïve enough to believe that this privileged, country club witch has even a hint of what it’s like to try and feed a family of four on $29 a week but it seems like she’s trying to help out. What else does she have to do anyway? She hasn’t made a good movie since Shallow Hal so why not spend some time investigating hot deals for the “resource strapped.”

So I click on the clothing button on this and the first thing I see is a plain old white t-shirt that’s selling for a mere $350. Is this chick out of her mind?!? How does one concoct the temerity to say that a $350 t-shirt is for the “resource strapped?” Pants for $475? An ugly sleeveless, plaid shirt going for $1750? For 1750 bucks, I want sleeves! And the NYC Food Bank expected this jackass to get by on $29? Shame on them for thinking for even one second that associating themselves with this elitist fraternity douche bag was a solid idea.

Gwyneth has also penned a cookbook for us “resource strapped” plebeians. However, the average cost of just one of the meals in this culinary rag is about 60 bucks and that includes the cheaper breakfast options. Average cost per day to cook out of this abomination for a family of four? $300 dollars! That’s a month’s worth of food for some families! This is truly a soulless bitch.

I also found that if you Google “stupid things Gwyneth Paltrow said” you will get literally thousands of sites covering just this subject. For instance, when asked about the difference between being a working mom and a movie star, her response was:

“I think to have a regular job and be a mom is not as, of course there are challenges, but it’s not like being on set.”

How does this person have a fan left on the planet? Her entire existence is reprehensible to me. Are we to believe that she is actually watching her children when filming another snore job of a movie? She is a modern-day Marie Antoinette with her “let them eat cake” bullshit and we all know how that ended, with a swift trip to the guillotine.

Not exactly sure how I decided to go on this crusade of hate against this prissy, self-righteous bitch exactly but it’s 10PM and I’m supposed to be in bed by now. I have to work in the morning and now I’m all pissed off and can’t sleep because tomorrow this idiot, Paltrow, will still have a fan base of idiotic sycophants and Sting will still be spending his time blowing it in his pants. Marvelous.

Hey Ahab, can I have my dubbage?

Madonna vs. Drake

Madonna Kisses Drake

There’s a lot of hubbub going around lately about Madonna kissing (molesting?) (infecting?) this Drake character. I make no claim of knowing who this Drake person is but I understand he is some kind of entertainer or something. Regardless, as my not being aware of him is of little consequence, this poor fellow was on stage with Madonna and she apparently slapped a big, wet smooch right on his lips. One might, at first glance, think, “Wow, what a lucky guy. I wish Madonna would kiss me,” but you would be wrong. Today’s Material Girl is a haggard and horned demon from the pit of hell and the spit she deposited in this poor soul’s mouth was probably acrid and black from evil and a severe case of gingivitis.

Drake, so grossed out by the proceedings, began gagging and spitting out the congealed skag juice and did not care a lick that the entire world was looking on.

I can’t say that I blame the guy, as the cute Madonna of the 80’s is long gone and she now looks like a succubus they drag out of the grave every morning, electrocute back to life and foist back on the world simply to force us to listen to her low grade version of music.

I have an unfounded theory that I can tell what people on television smell like in real life and Madonna tops my list of people who, I believe, reek of a thick and cheesy ass sweat but try to cover it up with a perfume so strong that it induces a headache. However, if the perfume fails to cause a splitting migraine then surely listening this skank blather on about politics and sex should be enough to make you wretch. I think it’s pretty clear that Drake’s gagging reflex proves my point.

Burned into my memory is this idiot and her unpatriotic vitriol about how she didn’t want to raise her children in this cesspool we call America and moved lock, stock and barrel to England. Two things bothered me about this, A – she helped create this “cesspool.” Have you ever seen her videos? And B – a month after moving to England she’s suddenly speaking with a British accent. Are we to believe that after living in the US for forty years that you, after a one month stay in Europe, suddenly have a new accent? C’mon you idiot! I don’t know who I despise more, her or the idiots who still fall for and encourage this behavior.

I thought hard about something positive that I could say about this soulless harpy and came up with only one thing. The Jellybean Benitez House Party Dub Mix of Feliz Navidad. Produced when dating Madonna, clearly she threw her weight behind the project, and Christmas wouldn’t be the same without it, in my opinion.

Nobody likes Sean Penn anymore. Between having to be subjected to his political rantings and his proselytizing bullcrap movies, I can stand the sight of him anymore. This, too, is Madonna’s fault. I could have enjoyed watching him recreate the Spicoli character over and over again and been satisfied but, no, she had to ruin his life and embitter him and now I have to watch films like Milk. Can you imagine the damage done to this poor guy? Having to listen to her? Pretend to enjoy her music? Ugh.

Kudos Drake and if the kudos aren’t enough than perhaps a shot of penicillin and a Z-Pack?