Seriously? This is the Best We Have to Choose From for POTUS?

Since it’s primary voting day here in Ohio I threw together a little voting guide. Bear in mind that I hate politics so don’t expect anything of a any civic consequence…

 

I don’t vote. I haven’t voted since the second Reagan administration. Am I a bad American? Maybe. The reason why I don’t vote boils down to two prevailing reasons. One, I don’t want to get called for jury duty. Jury duty should be for old, retired people. Old people love crap like jury duty. They feel useful and they get to vent about what pisses them off. Like, “In my day, men didn’t wear earrings so he’s clearly guilty.” I also don’t vote because I will not be made a fool of. I’m good enough at that on my own and I don’t need to be spoon fed an election process that purports to offer me the choice of two morons both of whom are in the back pocket of some rich oligarch yanking their strings. Those in charge don’t care who wins because they have them both in their control. You think you have a choice? Think again. No all-powerful yet anonymous overlord would dare risk an actual open democratic voting process and run the risk of not having his guy as the lead actor in his play.

You mean to tell me that with all of the brilliant people we have in this country Trump and Clinton are the best we could find? Granted anyone with a brain in their head wouldn’t want anything to do with politics but still. Both Hilary and Trump are two of the most contemptible people I have ever witnessed. She is a horrible, old, used up shrew and he is a total idiot at best, Hitler in a fancy blue suit at worst.

I tried to watch some of these debates and as much as I can’t stand any of the people on stage from either party, I despise the people in the audience even more. How can there be so many suckers in the world? Do they actually believe that any of the promises they hear are actually going to come to fruition? How many times do you need to fall for a liar before you just stop listening to what they are saying? Given that the average IQ in the US hovers someplace just above being labeled as retarded, this could go on forever.

As I said, I don’t care about politics anymore but I do pay attention, mostly in horrifying disgust with the American people. Like I’m driving by a bad accident on the freeway. I don’t want to look but you feel like you owe it to myself. I don’t critique politicians by their platforms, because they’re all stupid, but more by their persona or the insipid things they say and do.

With that…

Ted Cruz

Pretty sure this guy ate a booger at one of the early debates. There is plenty of video available for those of you who are still considering voting for this snot-eating fundamentalist for proof. It’s really gross and I don’t recommend it.

Outside of the booger-fest, I really don’t know much about this guy except for he showed up for the prison release party for that fat, gritter-scag, Kim Davis, in Kentucky who was made famous for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay people. This alone should demonstrate to most of the civilized world that he has zero understanding of the Constitution and is willing to pander to religious nutcases for votes at the expense of our liberties.

Not sure why but when I picture Ted Cruz I always see him in bright red lipstick. He reminds me a little of the guy who played the Tinman in The Wizard of Oz but more like if the Tinman were a crossdressing hermaphrodite.

Mrs. Ted Cruz, Heidi, is a managing director at Lehman Brothers which means she works for the people who lost all their money on bad investments and corruption in 2008 then sent the bill to the taxpayers. Ted Cruz makes the claim that he wants to audit the Federal Reserve? What are the chances of this happening while his wife’s company is manipulating him through the ass like a cheap hand puppet?

How is this guy even running for President anyway? I thought he was born in Canada? How come it’s okay to be President if you’re from Canada but not okay if you were born in say, Kenya? Hmmm, not too hard to figure if you think about it, I guess. What I’m insinuating is it’s okay with the racist, gritter faction here because he’s white. Oh, his mom was a US citizen, you say? So that makes it okay? Isn’t Obama’s mom a US citizen too? He wasn’t afforded that kind of reasoning because he’s black.

I hate Illinois Nazis.

As a wrap up, Ted Cruz eats snot, reminds me of and old, sad crossdresser, is a hardline fundamentalist who wants to force his beliefs down the throats of those who already have a set of beliefs already, defends people who make it their crusade to deny basic rights from other Americans, whose wife works for the devil himself and he isn’t even from the United States. What a great resume to be President! Did I mention that he eats boogers?

Enough about this guy. He’s totally boring and suffice it to say that I don’t like the idea of a pseudo Calvinist douche-bag in the White House.

Marco Rubio

Who is this guy anyway? I’m a pretty vigilant news hawk but even I don’t know anything of any substance about this idiot. What I do know is that there are photos making the rounds on the internet of him dancing in 80’s style gay foam parties. Now I don’t care if somebody is gay and would certainly never assume them unfit for office because of their sexual proclivities but I just don’t think I can support a presidential candidate who dressed up as the Indian from the Village People on certain Saturday nights. This guy has to stand his ground against Russia and Iran and I just can’t see him being able to hold his head up high to the likes of Vladimir Putin with this image in the playing on an endless loop in the back of his mind.

More than anything, I can’t stand the lying. If you’re gay, be gay because if there’s one thing I’m sure of, if there is even the slightest scent of you lying about something like this, the media wont rest until they’ve ripped you to pieces. Cut them off at the pass and put your cards on the table. No one is going to hear a word your saying politically until that elephant is out of the room.

Bernie Sanders

Mr. Sanders may be the most qualified for the job of POTUS but he doesn’t stand a chance mainly because he is a giant walking semantics disaster. This guy belongs to the Democratic Socialist party. Now, as I understand it, and I’ve done quite a bit of research on this subject, Democratic Socialism is a far cry from actual Socialism and even farther cry, how far is a cry anyway, from the Corporatism we have today or what we are told is Capitalism. The word Socialism on a ballot is enough to make people run screaming from the booth. Mention Socialism to my father or anyone his age and it’s enough to almost shock them into violent cardiac arrest.

This guy would have been better off labeling himself, Bernie Sanders the Child Molesting, Kitten Drowning, Druid instead of Democratic Socialist. Does he really expect that people are going to look up the difference between Socialism and Democratic Socialism? There are people out there still hoping that Ben Carson gets back into the race and he expects some personally responsible kind of research from them? Are you kidding me? I’m amazed that the majority of the people even remember to wake up and breathe in the morning let alone Google something of substance that doesn’t revolve around Kanye and Kim.

Another reason why I believe that this guy is a lost cause is that I’ve grown to taking pleasure in Google-ing famous people’s net worth. Not sure why but I’ve been wondering for some time now how Madonna can be worth over 800 million dollars? She’s an old, tired hag who hasn’t had a recognizable song since “Take a Bow” that came out when Obama was still a law clerk. One would think, and when I say “one” I mean myself, she would have burned through most of this cash on experimental antibiotics for the plethora of sexually transmitted diseases tearing at her wrinkled and yellowed flesh and/ or forking it over to some lunatic Kabbalist Maharajah but not so.

My point is, Bernie Sanders has been a servant of the public since he was the mayor of Burlington, Vermont in 1980. He served as a congressman from 1991 till 2007 when he became a member of the Senate. How in the hell is this guy only worth 105,000 dollars?!?! A U.S. Senator’s yearly salary is $174,000 and we all know that’s just the tip of the iceberg; seed money if you will. Even if we assume that Bernie isn’t corrupt like the rest of his colleagues, why doesn’t he have any money? I can’t get behind electing a guy who apparently spends his money like a sailor on leave. This guy’ll probably be hosting yard sales on the White House lawn by spring of his first term to raise some cash for the new Halo game. What’s next? Rent parties? If all that isn’t enough, I also think he smells like a hippy food co-op and sandalwood.

Hilary Clinton

My God haven’t we had enough of this family already? Why won’t they just go away? People should seriously have to take an IQ test before they are allowed to enter a voting facility. She’s being investigated by the FBI for possibly sharing sensitive and classified information through an unprotected email server. From where I sit, this is a major deal. Can you imagine if you went to a job interview with this hanging over your head? “Like, hey man, um, so, I know you’re going to run one of those background checks on me before you can offer me this gig so I kind of feel like I should be the one to bring to your attention that I am being investigated by the Feds for potentially sharing classified information with the enemy. I may or may not be indicted. Like I probably won’t be but just in case, I didn’t want you to just find out the hard way.” Except this isn’t about some stupid lame-assed sales job, this is a person running for President of the United States. What’s worse? No one seems to care!!

As I said, I don’t care about politics and it makes zero difference who wins because they are all bred from the same bloated, carnal pig but if Hilary Clinton isn’t the biggest douche-bag asshole, I don’t know who is.

Do I hate her because she’s a woman? Not a chance. I think a woman would make an ideal President. Some of the best people I know are women. My wife knows how to get shit done with just a look. We need that kind of “look” in the White House. Hilary is a wasted, used up old shrew and I seriously think she might have The Consumption with all the coughing.

Donald Trump

Enough has been said about Donald Trump and most of it political which mean that I don’t care. What is intriguing about Trump is his wife. I recently ate at one of those restaurants right off the freeway in rural Ohio and the paper place mat had pictures of every first lady all the way back to Martha Washington. Unfortunately the series ended with Hilary Clinton as a testament to just how old these things were. In every case, at our table, someone had gone to the trouble of poking out Hilary’s eyes and had drawn devil horns on her. The situation was the same at the other two tables I investigated.

Who goes to this kind of trouble to deface a placemat even if it is Hilary? Does the owner take a stack of these things home at night and defile her in some masturbatory ritual type frenzy of hate? My God, I know you live in the middle of nowhere and have nothing else to do and I don’t care for her either, but really?

Having moved on from my obsession with the thumbtack besmirched Hilary photos, I came to the realization that there has never been a good looking first lady in the entire history of the United States! Literally never. Michelle Obama isn’t a horrible looker but Barack could have pulled much better. He’s a good looking guy and he’s President of the United States for God’s sake. Now I realize that they got married long before he was POTUS but he was a lawyer back then and that’s still pretty good. I will give her credit though for making him what he is today. She probably rode him like a rented mule or he would still be a pot smoking d-bag hanging out at the local coffee shop bitching about one liberal cause or another and doing nothing about it.

Think about the ugly parade of tail that has resided in our country’s main official domicile. No matter how old or young you are, even if you’re a history buff and can look back semi-fondly on Edith Roosevelt, they are all, when all is said and done, hideous. Dolly Madison looked like she had some potential and I would totally bang her but her picture was a freaking drawing and she could have had that sketched in any way she wanted. “You draw me fat and I’ll have you drawn and quartered, boy! And leave my goiter out of it!”

Betty Ford was probably a hoot to hang around with back in the day, I mean, she does have a rehab clinic as her namesake, but good-looking? Afraid not. Nancy Reagan’s head was so big and her body so frail that she looked like a lollipop. Too soon on that?

I have a feeling that Andrew Jackson’s wife may have been a piece because in 1806 he actually KILLED some guy for besmirching her reputation. Killed? He was elected President about 20 years later so I guess things haven’t changed much.

Eleanor Roosevelt wasn’t just another unattractive First Lady, she actually may have been the ugliest person in the history of the earth. You mean to tell me that FDR, coming from monumental family wealth and being not a bad looking guy himself, couldn’t pull better tail than that? I just can’t vote for a guy with near-sighted judgement like that. How can I trust him to negotiate vital trade agreements when he finds something like her to be wife material?

What was the deal with Jackie Kennedy anyway? People say she was hot but I respectfully must disagree. She clearly carried most of the symptoms of fetal alcohol syndrome with the most prevalent being that her eyes were on the sides of her head. Her peripheral vision must have been off the charts. Her no-look passing abilities would have made even Magic Johnson green with envy. She was, by no stretch, Eleanor Roosevelt ugly but, c’mon. She just happens to be the best of the worst but that does not make her attractive.

You know who I don’t like? Jimmy Carter. It has nothing to do with his politics though he really was a putrid president. Remember interest rates of like 17% when this guy was at the helm? What makes me angry and by angry I mean to say making me feel bad about myself, is that this guy is like 90 years old and he’s out there building houses for people in need. What do I do for people in need? He’s busy hammering and nailing all the while trying to inspire others with his selfless efforts to do the same and the only effect it has on me is to resent him and deepen my own sense of self-loathing. Why do I need this? Eff him and his stupid peanut farm. Plus,his wife, Rosalynn seems kind of preachy. Like you’d have to listen to her cram Jesus down your throat while you’re trapped at their house for a dinner of boiled peanuts and stale evangelism. She had weird teeth too. They appear to be stubby little tusks with a weird purple polyurethane glaze on them.

If my grandson ever asks me what it takes to be President of the United States, my answer will be a simple one, be as corrupt and contemptable as possible, maybe leave a few dead bodies in your wake and marry the ugliest women you dig up out of the mud.

A Trump presidency, while we would probably end up with concentration camps planted across the US frivolously exterminating immigrants, at least we could end the drought on good looking first ladies.

John Kasich

This poor bastard. He may be the only one running from either party who is actually about real issues. I don’t give a care what he thinks, I just happen to notice him standing there in shock at the debates. Like a deer in the headlights, he looks like he’s wondering, “What the fuck is going on here? Is this really happening? I thought we were going to talk about education reform and this guy is talking about the size of his dick? Are you kidding me?”

So, there you have it, my assessment of the political landscape as I see it. And people ask me why I don’t vote. Are you kidding me?

 

The Top 5 Benefits of Hanging Around My Granddaughter

The Top 5 Benefits of Hanging Around My Granddaughter

As I may have mentioned before, our two year old granddaughter, Leila, lives with us. About the time my wife, Dana, and I figured that we had lived out our usefulness as parents of small children, we were dusted off and brought back into service. I’ve titled this essay as “hanging around MY granddaughter” and not OUR granddaughter because this Top 5 list is specific to me and the things I find remarkably useful in Leila. Dana surely has her own unpublished list but if she wants to write about it she’ll need her own outlet.

When our youngest went off to college our minds were full of things to do with our new found free time. We could eat out all the time, no more cooking heathy, nutritionally rewarding meals for a kid who subsisted off of chocolate and Pop Tarts anyway. Unlimited and spontaneous vacations would be the rule. Like I said, we had done our time.

Enter Leila. There is a quote I read not long ago that’s was attributed to Sandra Bullock. I couldn’t find the quote anywhere but I read it on the internet which means it must be true. Whomever spoke it, it resonated with me especially in my current living situation. It went something like this, “If I didn’t have children my wallet would be full, my house would be clean but my heart would be empty.” That’s pretty true. She has spent a few nights away from home visiting her Granny and those weekends, that we assumed would be full of bacchanalia and debauchery, were instead left empty and rather unfulfilling. Most of our conversation revolved around saying Leila-isms, like, “I do it self!” Or, “Piggy poop,” which is a term she uses to shift blame to the dog when she had pooped in her diaper.

Parenting at the age of fifty is different than when I was in my twenties. Leila would live outside if we let her, I hate going outside save for about eight or nine days of the year when I don’t sweat or freeze to death. Playing on the floor, for me, is, for the most part, an exercise in pain, an exploration of body parts that I haven’t used in decades. I do it but getting up and waiting for my left knee to unlock is an adventure in itself. Leila likes to play with trucks. She makes all the requisite noises as she shoves them across the floor but sometimes I have to use my foot to move my truck while I sit in my chair watching ESPN. It’s just part of what happens when your caregivers are old. I know the things I’m supposed to do it’s just that I’m not physically able or emotionally willing to anymore.

In the end, though, I wouldn’t trade a day with Leila for a vacation to anyplace in the whole world and getting up in the pitch black at 5 AM to slice kiwi in the exact shape she prefers is an honor and never a chore, besides what would I be doing otherwise? Sleeping?

All the syrupy stuff aside, I have found a few rather impressive side benefits to toting your granddaughter around with you that for some reason escaped me when my own kids were little.

Exposure to immunity from viruses

They say that you can only get so many colds in your life as there are a finite number of viruses that cause the common cold. I remember the number being something like 150 but I could be wrong and you know my policy on looking things up while I write. I feel like if you want to know so badly, you can just do it yourself. Having had four kids already, I have been exposed to and suffered through well over one hundred colds in my fifty years leaving me at least fifty more to get out of the way. While I have, for quite some time, assumed that these last vestiges of virus dwelled in some deep, dark jungle, Leila has kindly, yet unknowingly, volunteered to help me discover that I was wrong. In actuality, these viruses live in the dried snot on the toys in her school and in the noses of the other crumbsnatchers she calls friends.

While Dana and I work during the day, Leila goes to daycare, we call it school, and walking into that place you can actually feel the infestation climbing up your arms heading straight for your nasal cavities. In the first month and a half of her attending Typhoid Mary’s Petri Dish for the Young, I had acquired at least three colds and had seen my impressive twenty-three and a half year vomit streak come to an end.

The germs in the place are so big and virulent that you can actually see them crawling up your sleeve towards your nasal cavities! They have faces and they laugh at you when you try to sanitize yourself against them.

The way I figure it, by the time Leila has finished at “school,” Dana and I will have encountered and suffered through the last remaining cold viruses and in retirement, never get sick again. So, we have that going for us.

A Solid excuse for not going out

I’ve never been a “clubbin” kind of guy. I hate loud noises and dancing is stupid so I am left with dinner and a movie. A lot of our friends are twenty years younger than we are. I love them but, “No, I would prefer to not meet you for tailgating at 6 AM in the ten below wind-chill. Thanks though. And, no, I’m not a giant boring douche for not going, I’m actually much smarter than you as I will be warm in my house drinking good beer that didn’t cost me license to my first born. You have fun though and tell me all about it on Monday.”

When you have a two year old, you have a built in excuse for avoiding just about everything. “You say you’ve signed up for a “can’t miss” multi-level marketing ploy and you’re having a party to tell our of your friends about it? Aww, dammit! I wanted to be there for that but we don’t have a sitter. Sorry.”

What happened to Amway anyway? Is it still a company anyway?

“You say you’re moving and at the age of forty still think your friends are going to help you because you dangled some pizza in front of them? You are aware college ended like twenty years ago and there are companies who specialize in taking your stuff from the old place to the new one, right? I’d be there for you man but we have Leila and if I brought her she would just get in the way. Good luck with all that though.”

“Man, I’d love to come to your Pampered Chef party because there is nothing I like more than spending ridiculous amounts of money on pots and pans that I can get for half that at Walmart. Too bad it’s after Leila’s bedtime. So maybe call me the next time you get into a multi-leveled marketing scheme, cool?”

Stains on my clothes

Leila has no concept or the ability to know just how much I pay for my zip up Tommy Bahama sweaters that I wear just about every day in the winter. In fact, she couldn’t care if I’m wearing a torn up old t-shirt full of holes, it’s all the same to her. I knew this going in. Like I said, I have four kids of my own. What never occurred to me as a benefit to this was that I could blame food stains that I made out of my own carelessness on Leila and actually get away with it.

I obviously can’t wash a sweater every time I wear it and as I tend to have the eating habits of a fat, sweaty hog sidling up to the trough for my next unhealthy meal, I spill. Whereas I used to have to make some asinine excuse as to why there was a huge stain on my sweater, like, “Oh, I did that on the way to work this morning. Thanks for reminding me!” Now all I have to do is say, “Leila.” My disgusting stain instantly becomes cute! The disgusted looks I used to get have turned into comments like, “She’s so cute! How can you stand it?” Why didn’t I think of this before? I could be covered in grease stains and Pop Tart innards, from my own doing, of course, drop a knowing nod of Leila and all is forgiven? Brilliant!!

I am instantly attractive to women again

It didn’t take me long to figure out that Leila is a chick magnet. In fact, the very first time I took her with me to the grocery store, we had barely made it in the door before women started flocking to me like I was Brad Pitt. Now, let’s be clear here, I am not deluded enough to believe for one second that this attention had anything to do with me. I am well aware that I am old and well passed my prime. My hands are getting age spots, if I stay out in the sun too long I get age spots on my face that won’t go away, I’m over-weight, I’m not fun and I’m kind of crabby. None of those qualities are even remotely appealing to women. But take me and all of my grossness and add a cute baby and all of my blemishes disappear. No one notices my gut or that I walk around with a perpetual sneer on my face. In fact, I’m pretty much not there at all in their minds but at least they didn’t run away like I was the Elephant Man or something like they used to. She is like a delicious cherry on the disgusting poop sundae that is me.

I no longer need to hold back

On the list of funniest things to do to my children is to fart in public and blame them. Disgusting? Yes but equally hilarious. As much as I enjoyed doing it I can’t help but think that it may have left some residual emotional damage that they may not recover from without the aid of some deep therapy or until they can do it to children of their own. All of this leads me to the last but arguably the best reason to hang around with my granddaughter, farting in public and blaming her.

Most of this flatulence seems to go down when we’re at the grocery store. Not sure why exactly maybe because it’s one of the few places I’ll dare take Leila on my own. It’s usually a short trip and it’s close to home.

Who hasn’t been stuck in the precarious situation of having to unload a giant fart but can’t because there are people nearby. Even if you could somehow pass the gas silently, the odor would implicate you. I have solved this problem, bring Leila along, hold nothing back and unload on unsuspecting strangers. I have even used the line, “How embarrassing. You probably thought I did that.”

Who would have thought that there was so much more to being a grandfather?

Random Thoughts on Stupidity

Random Thoughts – Are We Becoming Dumber?

Thomas Jefferson once wrote, “If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?” A brilliant observation for sure and it shows that stupidity has stood the test of time. He was equally as frustrated in his day as I am today.

In Jefferson’s day, people died of earaches and simple cuts. That doesn’t happen today because we’ve invented antibiotics to fix that problem. It’s amazing to me that today we have advanced medicines, have perfected flight and have even been to the moon and back but I can’t find a waiter who can get my order right the first time. Don’t come to my table and take my order without a pen and paper unless you plan on getting my order damn straight. I hate that and always want to say, “Will you please write this down? We will both be happier later when I don’t have to be a dick to you.” I hate a drive-thru too. Is it the bad communication device you’re using or please tell me why I have to say McChicken 17 times before you hear me properly?

Have you ever spoken to someone at Time Warner Cable? It makes me lose faith in humanity.

I read the other day that the collective IQ of western civilization is actually 14 points lower than that of 100 years ago. The theory is based on the work of Dr. Jan te Nijenhuis, professor of work and organizational psychology at the University of Amsterdam.

“The study examined results of 14 intelligence studies conducted between 1884 to 2004 that measured participants’ so-called visual reaction times. The test asked the participant to push a button after seeing a stimulus. In the 19th century, the average speed was 194 milliseconds, in 2004, 275 milliseconds.”

My understanding of a person’s IQ score is that is has little to do with knowing your state capitals or the genus of the bullfrog as those things are learned. IQ has more to do with your brains innate ability to reason and, hence, becomes a test that you cannot study for. I’m not a scientist, like Leonardo DiCaprio seems to think he is with all of his bullshit dalliances into climate change, but this “reaction time” test seems to fit the bill as something that would tap into our minds raw ability to reason and offer a proper IQ score.

My reaction to this story was, “duh.” Like, really? People are more stupid than ever? No way! Shocking! Like the other day when I gave the cashier $10.38 for cigarettes that cost $9.38 because I didn’t want a pocket full of change in return for a straight ten dollar bill. She gave me a blank, idiotic stare and said, “Uh, that’s too much.” Or when I sit behind some dumbass at a red light waiting for them to turn right and they just sit there? How did you pass your driver’s test you blowhole? They changed that law like 30 years ago, you can turn now!! How does this idiot even remember how to get to work? How do they even hold a job in the first place?

Have you ever watched the YouTube videos of people being asked simple junior high school history class questions? Stuff like, how many states are in the US or find Ethiopia on a map. As you listen to the answers and you laugh at first but then develop an uncontrollable urge to shove an ice pick into your skull just to put yourself out of your misery. I don’t want to co-exist with people who think we have 64 states or that Ethiopia is a colony on the moon.

I once had a conversation with a lady at the height of the ozone layer controversy, back in the late 80’s. She insisted that the Space Shuttle was responsible for the hole in our Earth’s protective layer and that the space program needed to be brought to an immediate halt before we all died of a hyper-sunburn. Like what do you think you retard, that the earth is surrounded by some protective Saran wrap being pilloried with NASA holes?! That was 30 years ago and I remember it like it just happened. Do you think she has ever looked back and thought, “God what an idiot that guy was?” I can assure you, no. She has blissfully lived as a complete moron since and will die one. I on the other hand think of it regularly as a testament to how I was created to suffer.

The median IQ in the United States is an embarrassing 98. 80 is considered mentally challenged which, broken down, means that half the people you encounter on a daily basis are literally hovering barely above being able to tie their own shoes. I did a little Googling and found that a dogs are assumed to have the human equivalent of an IQ falling someplace in the area of the mid to high 50’s. High 50’s?!?! The average human IQ is 98 and a dog is near 60? Am I in the Twilight Zone? Hell, perhaps?

They say that whales and dolphins have bigger brains than humans and are, therefore, smarter. That they have created their own languages and live in happy families. Well guess what? So have we. We have lots of different languages and families too. And guess what else? We have houses and cars, hospitals and governments. We win. I wonder, though, are there stupid dolphins? Are there Sperm Whales that can’t give proper change? Do dumb Killer Whales spend their time fascinated with the celebrity of Shamu like we do with Kim and Kanye? Do they ignore whale cops murdering whale citizens and walk, or swim as the case may be here, around completely blind to aquatic corruption?

Think about this, you’re accused of a crime you didn’t commit. All of the smart people know how to finagle the system and get out of jury duty. You’re left with your life hanging on a thread based on the reasoning skills of mindless troglodytic morons and angry, old people with an axe to grind. The thought of this keeps me up at night.

Writers note:

I have found the way to get out of jury duty, don’t vote. I haven’t voted since the second Reagan administration because I will not be made a fool of and have never been called to serve. Do you really think that “those truly in power” would dare give us a presidential candidate that they didn’t have in their back pocket? With trillions of dollars on the line would I, if I were one of “them,” risk going into an election not having full control of Jeb Bush or Hilary Clinton? Not a chance. It’s a sucker’s bet and I refuse to play.

When I read this study, you would think that my reaction would be more in the arena of, “aww, that’s terrible. People are suffering in ignorance.” But no, I jumped up out of my chair and screamed, “I KNEW IT!!” I’m the one who’s been suffering all along, not them!

I believe I have the answer to Jefferson’s conundrum. I postulate that when you’re stupid, you’re too dumb to know it. The opposite of intelligence isn’t happy, it’s numb.

“If his momma named him Cassius, then I’m gonna call him Cassius.”