Seriously? This is the Best We Have to Choose From for POTUS?

Since it’s primary voting day here in Ohio I threw together a little voting guide. Bear in mind that I hate politics so don’t expect anything of a any civic consequence…


I don’t vote. I haven’t voted since the second Reagan administration. Am I a bad American? Maybe. The reason why I don’t vote boils down to two prevailing reasons. One, I don’t want to get called for jury duty. Jury duty should be for old, retired people. Old people love crap like jury duty. They feel useful and they get to vent about what pisses them off. Like, “In my day, men didn’t wear earrings so he’s clearly guilty.” I also don’t vote because I will not be made a fool of. I’m good enough at that on my own and I don’t need to be spoon fed an election process that purports to offer me the choice of two morons both of whom are in the back pocket of some rich oligarch yanking their strings. Those in charge don’t care who wins because they have them both in their control. You think you have a choice? Think again. No all-powerful yet anonymous overlord would dare risk an actual open democratic voting process and run the risk of not having his guy as the lead actor in his play.

You mean to tell me that with all of the brilliant people we have in this country Trump and Clinton are the best we could find? Granted anyone with a brain in their head wouldn’t want anything to do with politics but still. Both Hilary and Trump are two of the most contemptible people I have ever witnessed. She is a horrible, old, used up shrew and he is a total idiot at best, Hitler in a fancy blue suit at worst.

I tried to watch some of these debates and as much as I can’t stand any of the people on stage from either party, I despise the people in the audience even more. How can there be so many suckers in the world? Do they actually believe that any of the promises they hear are actually going to come to fruition? How many times do you need to fall for a liar before you just stop listening to what they are saying? Given that the average IQ in the US hovers someplace just above being labeled as retarded, this could go on forever.

As I said, I don’t care about politics anymore but I do pay attention, mostly in horrifying disgust with the American people. Like I’m driving by a bad accident on the freeway. I don’t want to look but you feel like you owe it to myself. I don’t critique politicians by their platforms, because they’re all stupid, but more by their persona or the insipid things they say and do.

With that…

Ted Cruz

Pretty sure this guy ate a booger at one of the early debates. There is plenty of video available for those of you who are still considering voting for this snot-eating fundamentalist for proof. It’s really gross and I don’t recommend it.

Outside of the booger-fest, I really don’t know much about this guy except for he showed up for the prison release party for that fat, gritter-scag, Kim Davis, in Kentucky who was made famous for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay people. This alone should demonstrate to most of the civilized world that he has zero understanding of the Constitution and is willing to pander to religious nutcases for votes at the expense of our liberties.

Not sure why but when I picture Ted Cruz I always see him in bright red lipstick. He reminds me a little of the guy who played the Tinman in The Wizard of Oz but more like if the Tinman were a crossdressing hermaphrodite.

Mrs. Ted Cruz, Heidi, is a managing director at Lehman Brothers which means she works for the people who lost all their money on bad investments and corruption in 2008 then sent the bill to the taxpayers. Ted Cruz makes the claim that he wants to audit the Federal Reserve? What are the chances of this happening while his wife’s company is manipulating him through the ass like a cheap hand puppet?

How is this guy even running for President anyway? I thought he was born in Canada? How come it’s okay to be President if you’re from Canada but not okay if you were born in say, Kenya? Hmmm, not too hard to figure if you think about it, I guess. What I’m insinuating is it’s okay with the racist, gritter faction here because he’s white. Oh, his mom was a US citizen, you say? So that makes it okay? Isn’t Obama’s mom a US citizen too? He wasn’t afforded that kind of reasoning because he’s black.

I hate Illinois Nazis.

As a wrap up, Ted Cruz eats snot, reminds me of and old, sad crossdresser, is a hardline fundamentalist who wants to force his beliefs down the throats of those who already have a set of beliefs already, defends people who make it their crusade to deny basic rights from other Americans, whose wife works for the devil himself and he isn’t even from the United States. What a great resume to be President! Did I mention that he eats boogers?

Enough about this guy. He’s totally boring and suffice it to say that I don’t like the idea of a pseudo Calvinist douche-bag in the White House.

Marco Rubio

Who is this guy anyway? I’m a pretty vigilant news hawk but even I don’t know anything of any substance about this idiot. What I do know is that there are photos making the rounds on the internet of him dancing in 80’s style gay foam parties. Now I don’t care if somebody is gay and would certainly never assume them unfit for office because of their sexual proclivities but I just don’t think I can support a presidential candidate who dressed up as the Indian from the Village People on certain Saturday nights. This guy has to stand his ground against Russia and Iran and I just can’t see him being able to hold his head up high to the likes of Vladimir Putin with this image in the playing on an endless loop in the back of his mind.

More than anything, I can’t stand the lying. If you’re gay, be gay because if there’s one thing I’m sure of, if there is even the slightest scent of you lying about something like this, the media wont rest until they’ve ripped you to pieces. Cut them off at the pass and put your cards on the table. No one is going to hear a word your saying politically until that elephant is out of the room.

Bernie Sanders

Mr. Sanders may be the most qualified for the job of POTUS but he doesn’t stand a chance mainly because he is a giant walking semantics disaster. This guy belongs to the Democratic Socialist party. Now, as I understand it, and I’ve done quite a bit of research on this subject, Democratic Socialism is a far cry from actual Socialism and even farther cry, how far is a cry anyway, from the Corporatism we have today or what we are told is Capitalism. The word Socialism on a ballot is enough to make people run screaming from the booth. Mention Socialism to my father or anyone his age and it’s enough to almost shock them into violent cardiac arrest.

This guy would have been better off labeling himself, Bernie Sanders the Child Molesting, Kitten Drowning, Druid instead of Democratic Socialist. Does he really expect that people are going to look up the difference between Socialism and Democratic Socialism? There are people out there still hoping that Ben Carson gets back into the race and he expects some personally responsible kind of research from them? Are you kidding me? I’m amazed that the majority of the people even remember to wake up and breathe in the morning let alone Google something of substance that doesn’t revolve around Kanye and Kim.

Another reason why I believe that this guy is a lost cause is that I’ve grown to taking pleasure in Google-ing famous people’s net worth. Not sure why but I’ve been wondering for some time now how Madonna can be worth over 800 million dollars? She’s an old, tired hag who hasn’t had a recognizable song since “Take a Bow” that came out when Obama was still a law clerk. One would think, and when I say “one” I mean myself, she would have burned through most of this cash on experimental antibiotics for the plethora of sexually transmitted diseases tearing at her wrinkled and yellowed flesh and/ or forking it over to some lunatic Kabbalist Maharajah but not so.

My point is, Bernie Sanders has been a servant of the public since he was the mayor of Burlington, Vermont in 1980. He served as a congressman from 1991 till 2007 when he became a member of the Senate. How in the hell is this guy only worth 105,000 dollars?!?! A U.S. Senator’s yearly salary is $174,000 and we all know that’s just the tip of the iceberg; seed money if you will. Even if we assume that Bernie isn’t corrupt like the rest of his colleagues, why doesn’t he have any money? I can’t get behind electing a guy who apparently spends his money like a sailor on leave. This guy’ll probably be hosting yard sales on the White House lawn by spring of his first term to raise some cash for the new Halo game. What’s next? Rent parties? If all that isn’t enough, I also think he smells like a hippy food co-op and sandalwood.

Hilary Clinton

My God haven’t we had enough of this family already? Why won’t they just go away? People should seriously have to take an IQ test before they are allowed to enter a voting facility. She’s being investigated by the FBI for possibly sharing sensitive and classified information through an unprotected email server. From where I sit, this is a major deal. Can you imagine if you went to a job interview with this hanging over your head? “Like, hey man, um, so, I know you’re going to run one of those background checks on me before you can offer me this gig so I kind of feel like I should be the one to bring to your attention that I am being investigated by the Feds for potentially sharing classified information with the enemy. I may or may not be indicted. Like I probably won’t be but just in case, I didn’t want you to just find out the hard way.” Except this isn’t about some stupid lame-assed sales job, this is a person running for President of the United States. What’s worse? No one seems to care!!

As I said, I don’t care about politics and it makes zero difference who wins because they are all bred from the same bloated, carnal pig but if Hilary Clinton isn’t the biggest douche-bag asshole, I don’t know who is.

Do I hate her because she’s a woman? Not a chance. I think a woman would make an ideal President. Some of the best people I know are women. My wife knows how to get shit done with just a look. We need that kind of “look” in the White House. Hilary is a wasted, used up old shrew and I seriously think she might have The Consumption with all the coughing.

Donald Trump

Enough has been said about Donald Trump and most of it political which mean that I don’t care. What is intriguing about Trump is his wife. I recently ate at one of those restaurants right off the freeway in rural Ohio and the paper place mat had pictures of every first lady all the way back to Martha Washington. Unfortunately the series ended with Hilary Clinton as a testament to just how old these things were. In every case, at our table, someone had gone to the trouble of poking out Hilary’s eyes and had drawn devil horns on her. The situation was the same at the other two tables I investigated.

Who goes to this kind of trouble to deface a placemat even if it is Hilary? Does the owner take a stack of these things home at night and defile her in some masturbatory ritual type frenzy of hate? My God, I know you live in the middle of nowhere and have nothing else to do and I don’t care for her either, but really?

Having moved on from my obsession with the thumbtack besmirched Hilary photos, I came to the realization that there has never been a good looking first lady in the entire history of the United States! Literally never. Michelle Obama isn’t a horrible looker but Barack could have pulled much better. He’s a good looking guy and he’s President of the United States for God’s sake. Now I realize that they got married long before he was POTUS but he was a lawyer back then and that’s still pretty good. I will give her credit though for making him what he is today. She probably rode him like a rented mule or he would still be a pot smoking d-bag hanging out at the local coffee shop bitching about one liberal cause or another and doing nothing about it.

Think about the ugly parade of tail that has resided in our country’s main official domicile. No matter how old or young you are, even if you’re a history buff and can look back semi-fondly on Edith Roosevelt, they are all, when all is said and done, hideous. Dolly Madison looked like she had some potential and I would totally bang her but her picture was a freaking drawing and she could have had that sketched in any way she wanted. “You draw me fat and I’ll have you drawn and quartered, boy! And leave my goiter out of it!”

Betty Ford was probably a hoot to hang around with back in the day, I mean, she does have a rehab clinic as her namesake, but good-looking? Afraid not. Nancy Reagan’s head was so big and her body so frail that she looked like a lollipop. Too soon on that?

I have a feeling that Andrew Jackson’s wife may have been a piece because in 1806 he actually KILLED some guy for besmirching her reputation. Killed? He was elected President about 20 years later so I guess things haven’t changed much.

Eleanor Roosevelt wasn’t just another unattractive First Lady, she actually may have been the ugliest person in the history of the earth. You mean to tell me that FDR, coming from monumental family wealth and being not a bad looking guy himself, couldn’t pull better tail than that? I just can’t vote for a guy with near-sighted judgement like that. How can I trust him to negotiate vital trade agreements when he finds something like her to be wife material?

What was the deal with Jackie Kennedy anyway? People say she was hot but I respectfully must disagree. She clearly carried most of the symptoms of fetal alcohol syndrome with the most prevalent being that her eyes were on the sides of her head. Her peripheral vision must have been off the charts. Her no-look passing abilities would have made even Magic Johnson green with envy. She was, by no stretch, Eleanor Roosevelt ugly but, c’mon. She just happens to be the best of the worst but that does not make her attractive.

You know who I don’t like? Jimmy Carter. It has nothing to do with his politics though he really was a putrid president. Remember interest rates of like 17% when this guy was at the helm? What makes me angry and by angry I mean to say making me feel bad about myself, is that this guy is like 90 years old and he’s out there building houses for people in need. What do I do for people in need? He’s busy hammering and nailing all the while trying to inspire others with his selfless efforts to do the same and the only effect it has on me is to resent him and deepen my own sense of self-loathing. Why do I need this? Eff him and his stupid peanut farm. Plus,his wife, Rosalynn seems kind of preachy. Like you’d have to listen to her cram Jesus down your throat while you’re trapped at their house for a dinner of boiled peanuts and stale evangelism. She had weird teeth too. They appear to be stubby little tusks with a weird purple polyurethane glaze on them.

If my grandson ever asks me what it takes to be President of the United States, my answer will be a simple one, be as corrupt and contemptable as possible, maybe leave a few dead bodies in your wake and marry the ugliest women you dig up out of the mud.

A Trump presidency, while we would probably end up with concentration camps planted across the US frivolously exterminating immigrants, at least we could end the drought on good looking first ladies.

John Kasich

This poor bastard. He may be the only one running from either party who is actually about real issues. I don’t give a care what he thinks, I just happen to notice him standing there in shock at the debates. Like a deer in the headlights, he looks like he’s wondering, “What the fuck is going on here? Is this really happening? I thought we were going to talk about education reform and this guy is talking about the size of his dick? Are you kidding me?”

So, there you have it, my assessment of the political landscape as I see it. And people ask me why I don’t vote. Are you kidding me?


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