So Bill Cosby Is A Rapist?

So Bill Cosby Is A Rapist?

I know what the picture of a molester is supposed to look like. You have monsters like John Wayne Gacy who back in the 70’s sexually assaulted and murdered over 30 teenage boys and buried their remains in his dirt floored basement. This guy made his living as a clown for little kids parties and once he was charged and tried for his crimes, was labeled The Killer Clown. Horrible story? Yes. But not really out of the realm of believability. The guy lived with his mom. Hint number one. He found work that allowed him to move in adolescent circles. Hint number two.

I’m sorry but anybody who makes their living off of hanging out with little kids and that gig doesn’t involve an extensive background check, I suspect shenanigans.

I can say that in all of my years of creating Top 5 lists that I never even considered the idea that I should throw one together of the all-time biggest celebrity creeps but when Bill Cosby was outed this week as being the giant predator that he apparently really is, I thought it was about time to do a little research. I found pretty quickly that I didn’t even need to go to the Internet this time though as I had been subconsciously keeping this list in my head for years, Cosby and Jared from Subway just helped bring it to the surface and for that I owe them a debt of gratitude. In no particular order because I’m pretty sure that I can’t assign a degree to the sin of molesting someone, here we go…

Pee Wee Herman

This guy’s real name is Paul Reubens which may come as a surprise to some of you who understandably assumed that his given name was Pee Wee. So this guy was a really big deal back in the late 80’s and early 90’s. He had what I still to this day think was a kick ass show, Pee Wee’s Playhouse. Of course given the nature of Pee Wee’s crimes, he was all about the kiddies.

In 1991 Mr. Reubens was arrested for exposing himself in an adult theater. I don’t have a problem with a person exposing themselves in a porno theater. Let’s face it, you’re not there for the cinematography, you’re there to watch porn. And porn watching usually leads to things that leave one “exposed.” Pee Wee was arrested for jerking it in a theater. Okay, fine whatever. Just thank God for the Internet so people can do this in the comfort of their own homes now.

What happened to these adult theaters anyway? They actually used to have listing in the paper for porno show times right next to the legit stuff when I was a kid. I’d go to the paper, back when the newspaper was the only way to get the skinny on movie times, to see what time Star Wars was showing and inevitably end up asking my father just why exactly we couldn’t go see Assablanca.

Porno movies that are parodies of real movies are some of the most creative thinking we have going on in the world today. I think my favorite is the XXX version of the classic movie Forrest Gump brilliantly titled, Sorest Rump. Or how about Throbin Hood? Shaving Ryan’s Privates, Good Will Humping, Ass Ventura or this oldie but goodie, Edward Penis Hands. This is modern day Shakespeare going on here.

Anyway, back to Pee Wee, ten years later in like 2001, the police raided his house and found all kinds of kiddie porn. First, how do the police know to raid your house? You are totally effed up if that’s going down. They didn’t just stumble on your fucked uppedness, they studied on you and shit for a while before they kicked your door in.

Kiddie porn Pee Wee? You are and have been ever since, dead to me and if it were up to me, you would have been castrated before you ever saw the light of day again. Always be leery of those who hang around kids too much. I love my kids. I love my granddaughter but I need a break sometimes dammit or they will run you into the ground.

Asshole number two is:

Jeffery Jones

Right? Who the hell is Jeffery Jones? Never heard of him you say? Is there anyone out there who hasn’t seen the cult classic Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at least ten times? Well, Jeffery Jones played Principle Rooney in that movie. That’s right Principle Rooney is a sex offender.

This creeper had to register as a sex offender back in 2004 for hiring a teenage boy to pose nude for him while he took explicit pictures. What goes through one’s mind that says, “Yeah, this is cool. Nobody will think this is wrong.” At what point does your penis interfere with your ability to reason in a lucid manner enough to think that even though you’re a famous celebrity, no one will ever find out that you’re taking naked pictures of little boys? How did he find this kid anyway? Did he run an ad in the local Sun Times? How did he make it enticing enough to generate any interest? What teenage boy is reading the classified section of the newspaper anyway?

Tired of playing in the same old paper delivering rat race? Looking for easy money? If you’re a boy between the ages of 12 and 15 and comfortable with your body, this is the gig for you. Possible sodomy if interested. Those with man hair need not apply. Prefer testicles to not have dropped.

Jared from Subway

This is pretty recent news and I must say that I was not really surprised. Not that I ever, even for one second, thought that the most famous purveyor of sandwiches was using his powers for evil and found naked children enticing. He just struck me as a sort of lumpy, fat loser who discovered a way to melt away his considerable poundage by eating disgusting subs. Even thin he still looked fat. Like he had a lot of lose skin or something.

I have tried every diet known to man except the Subway thing. First, their food is abhorrent. There is a Subway near my work and I would frequent it two or three times a month mostly because it was close by. Problem was that the guy assembling my rather flavorless and unsatisfying meal always had a circular Band-Aid over a particular spot on his left cheek and whatever it was covering never seemed to heal enough for him to go without it. I have enough of an issue with germs to begin with but this thing was really weighing heavy on my mind. My desire to know just what he was hiding under that bandage was at that point outweighing the horror of that thing falling off into my sandwich so I kept going back and going back even more than ever.

Finally, one day while waiting in line for another foul assed sub, I noticed that the bandage was dangling by a few unkempt stray hairs of his beard. This was my chance to see what this poor bastard was hiding all these months. When I, at last, was close enough to get a bead on it, was horrified to see that the bandage was covering a hole in his face! I swear I could see his teeth if the light hit it just right! I had been letting Freddy Krueger make my lunch for me on a fairly regular basis. I left before ordering and have never been back.

What did this Jared animal do before he picked up this Subway gig? We know it wasn’t anything in the field of fitness unless one can make a living posing for “before” pictures. No, I see him, in light of finding out his proclivity for naked children, as a department store Santa. Certainly he was fat enough and he seems jolly.

Who in the hell wants to be Santa Claus anyway? What a stupid job if you think about it. Like, you work for like a month every year. Not enough to support yourself and I’d be surprised if it paid better than minimum wage. Your good Santa’s have a real beard and I just can’t comprehend maintaining that stupid thing all year just so you can play Santa for the five weeks after Thanksgiving. And how stupid do these professional Santa’s look rolling around in Hawaiian shirts in June? And inevitably some dumbass upon seeing June Santa says something to the effect of, “Hey kids look, Santa must be on vacation!” Hearing this kills my will to live. Let’s not forget that the five weeks when you actually get to live out the ridiculous fantasy of being Santa is spent either listening to bad kids spewing out their unrealistic demands or crying in holy terror. I fail to see the fun.

So as a recap, Santa is paid an unlivable wage, has to walk around with that stupid beard all year long, is subjected to listening to asinine comments about his vacation destinations and gets kicked, pissed and cried on. The only kind of person willing to endure this kind of treatment has to be up to no good.

Bill Cosby

I’m not going to lie, I love Bill Cosby. The Cosby Show still ranks as one of my Top 5 sit-coms of all time. It suffered the same effects that any good show does in that characters leave or the kids grown up but it still is one of the best.

I also love to watch old re-runs of M.A.S.H and Leave it to Beaver and both of those shows suffered the same growing pains as The Cosby Show. Like when the Frank Burns character was written out of M.A.S.H. the show took a horrible turn for the worse. If I was the creator of the popular early 60’s show Leave it to Beaver I would have been pumping that little bastard full of anti-growth hormones because listening to him get in trouble for cutting his own hair is not funny when his voice has changed and he’s got man hairs. Listen Beaver, it just isn’t funny anymore. Time to move on and get a grown up job.

The Cosby Show got awful when Rudy started to grow a horrendously dark mustache. For some reason, deep facial hair on a girl kind of ruins the childhood innocence they were trying to convey. Cousin Pam was also responsible for the demise and I believe that this is the point when Bill may have started drugging women and taken sexual liberties with them. Rudy’s mustache may be responsible for dozens of sexual crimes.

What is this guy’s deal anyway? I mean, I guess he’s never been convicted of anything but he did pay out a large sum of money to buy some woman’s silence and to me, that’s as good as just coming out and admitting it. He is Bill F-ing Cosby! Why did he feel it necessary to ruffie women? Surely there are and were plenty of women lining up for a chance to trade sex for a chance to get their break in Hollywood, right? Is this guy so messed up that he actually got a little extra boner by slipping them a mickey first?

Let’s not forget that this guy has been vehemently denying these acquisitions for over a year now and has also made quite a reputation for himself as being a bit self-righteous in talking down to the African American community about what he thinks is an aberrant lifestyle. Can’t imagine there’s much sympathy coming Bill’s way at this point.

The British Parliament

This story is just now starting to get legs and is really quite disturbing. It seems that up to twenty current and former members of Parliament are on their way to serving time for participating in an elite pedophilia ring. These are like members of Congress! Raping little kids!

I think I’m done here.

“I’m a karate man! I bruise on the inside!”

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