Top 5 Reasons Why Seafood Sucks

Top 5 Reasons Why Seafood Is So Disgusting

I hate anything they call food that comes from the sea. I have never liked it and, at 50 years old, probably never will. I love going to the ocean but there is nothing more disgusting to me than being taken down by a wave and getting a mouth full of the briny deep. It tastes just awful and anything harvested from it for human consumption tastes exactly the same. I am less bothered that the world uses the world’s oceans as a toilet than I am with the taste of seafood and I have serious germ issues!

Once in a while I inevitably have to go along with the crowd and dine at one of these restaurants that trolls the world’s sewer for its menu offerings. While my friends and family binge on lobster, crab and God forbid, clams, I am content, instead, with a constant flow of cold beer and free bread.

Take caviar for instance, I used to go trout fishing a lot when I was a kid and once in a while I’d catch a bloated female that when cut open for cleaning would spill an indecent amount of fish eggs all over the ground. The egg sac would even make a popping sound when poked with the knife. Let’s not get lost here and gloss over the words “egg sac.” Egg sac? I don’t want to eat anything that has an egg sac.

Who had the bright idea to eat these raw fish eggs in the first place? Surely the scenario went down quite similar to my experiences as a youngster but I never once had to urge to scoop them up and start eating them. I was too busy gagging and lamenting the fact that I had just killed thousands of potential baby fish. Caviar is absolutely disgusting and I have NEVER understood the “royalty” involved with fish eggs, simply disgusting and I’ll never try them…”delicacy” my ass.

I don’t fish anymore because I believe you should eat what you catch and I just cannot stomach the rancid flavor or your local Red Lobster’s fare. Is there a worse name for a restaurant than Joe’s Crab Shack? It invokes thoughts of a bucket of rotting chum served up from some dark back room by a bearded sea farer with a wooden leg named Skully or Poop Deck Paddy.

I’ve heard that caviar should never been served with a metal spoon as it may give the raw fish eggs an unpleasant flavor. Really? First of all, any caviar I’ve ever seen comes in a metal can so what the eff? Secondly, give the caviar an unpleasant flavor? Its raw fish eggs and they are already profoundly unpleasant. Sticking a metal spoon into it can only make it better because it cannot possibly get any worse.

I have a suspicion that the people who clamor to the closest seafood buffet or those willing to pay $25 for a nice lobster don’t really like fish either if they were being honest with themselves. No, I believe that what they are really looking for is just an excuse to eat butter. Butter is delicious. It’s a rectangular slab of sweet, salty fat and there is nothing better. In fact, my parents would find my teeth marks in the butter when I was a little kid.

With that said….

Crab –

People love them some crab legs but I would like to point out one factor that most people seem to miss. A crab is nothing more than a wet spider. Both have eight legs, both are arachnids. Hello! You are eating a sea spider! Even if I could get past the feted flavor of these vile beasts, I would surely gag it all out when I remembered that I had just ingested a Daddy Longlegs. What’s the number one condiment when it comes to your crab eaters? That’s right, butter. I would also prefer to be able to dip my spider meat into butter before I ate it.

Lobster –

Continuing along the lines of ingested insects, a lobster is just a sea scorpion without the venom. Why doesn’t it need venom like its land bound cousin? Because it’s so disgusting on its own that no one in their right mind should be effing with them in the first place. It needs no defense.

Again, number one condiment for the wet scorpion? Butter.

Shrimp –

I like to compare a shrimp to a sea caterpillar but when you step on a caterpillar all that green juice squirts out so it would be unfair to apply that comparison. But it’s hard not to see the similarities in a worm like land insect with a shrimp with all the legs and grossness. Unlike your lobsters and crabs, though, people don’t shellac their shrimp in butter, instead they use cocktail sauce. I suspect it’s because shrimp carry an even stronger sense of the sea in their flavor and need the extra boost in cover-up ability offered by the cocktail sauce.

And the poop? So, as I understand shrimp, I have to make sure that these things have had their rectal cavity cleaned out before I shove it in my mouth? Ugh.

Snails –

Ugh. Snails are snails. Same on the land as on the sea. Disgusting and also used as an excuse to eat butter. I cannot imagine what these sea floor dwelling creatures must eat given that the ocean is the repository of much of our raw sewage.

Have you ever seen the tool used to strip these things from their shells? It looks like a complicated surgical instrument.

Sushi –

I have a coworker that ate 107 pieces of sushi out of his own free will, all the while looking like he was being punished and sitting in timeout.

I will be the first to admit that I wish I liked sushi. The packaging is outstanding with all the colors and such stuffed into a stubby little green tube. However, it is truly the most revolting of all fish options because it’s raw! The number one thing we are told is to not eat under-cooked meat and what do we do? Take it up a notch and just eat it raw. Cooking fish, at least in some circumstances, seems to cut down on the atrocious taste but cooking it also leads to your home smelling like a whorehouse at low-tide. When stuck between a rock and a hard place, I opt to starve.

The horrendous taste of sushi is very often covered up with the delicious condiment, wasabi. Little known fact, wasabi was invented during the late 1800’s as a way to cover up the taste of raw fish. In fact, in Japanese, the word “wasabi” literally means, “God, this fish tastes like shit.”

Butter and wasabi are to seafood what salsa is to tortilla chips. They are symbiotic, neither subsisting without the other. No one eats tortilla chips without salsa, they’re disgusting plain. Similarly, I have yet to see someone eat crab without a big tub of butter nearby because crabs sucks alone. Additionally, I like tartar sauce. Anything made with mayonnaise is delicious to me but I do not like it enough to eat fish and there really isn’t any other use for tartar sauce other than covering up the taste of fish.

I wish that I liked seafood, I really do. It looks fun with the aprons and all the tools you need to crack stuff open but there needs to be some reward for all that work and from where I sit all you’re getting is a mouthful of sea water.

“Didn’t I tell you the phone in my limousine was busted?”

“Yeah, what is you, ignorant?”

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