top 5

Top 5 Actresses We Are Told Are Hot But Are Really Repugnant

I hesitated in putting this list together as I have incurred much acrimony as to it being cruel. I, for one, will not be swayed by such behavior. I am also receiving a decent amount of scorn and questions about my sanity like, “Dude, you’re crazy, I would totally do Cameron Diaz. Remember how hot she was in The Mask?!” I am getting a bit weary of having to remind people that the movie Mask came out about twenty years ago and while Cameron Diaz was unquestionably hot in the early 90’s, she is a total mess now. Her face looks like it’s actually melting.

This Top 5’er isn’t about stars who have aged into being a hag, that wouldn’t be fair. I’m more bothered by them being presented to me as benchmarks of beauty by the media and their ilk. Maybe there just isn’t enough new talent to plug in to fill this gap, I don’t know. Lindsay Lohan made a run to grab the torch a few years ago but she can’t keep herself sober long enough for us to see much more of her than a mugshot. Who in the hell is Selina Gomez anyway? Unquestionably, there is a serious lack new talent being infused into the mix and that is genuinely part of the problem. Maybe I’m not the one to decide if that’s true or not though, I don’t watch Entertainment Television and have a great disdain for those who skank around Hollywood. My disdain, however, is exactly what gives me the freedom and capacity to tear into these horrible people. It makes me feel good.

I like to float my ideas for writing out to friends to see what kind of controversy they elicit and usually pick the ones that generate the most discussion and angst. Frankly, I preferred to write about my favorite candy bars, and I swear I will someday, but for some reason, no one cared. Go figure. This one, though, pushed some buttons. I like that.

Before we get to my list, I would also like to send out honorable mention to Uma Thurman who ran sixth on my list and to Hilary Swank who I don’t have on any list because I’m not really sure if anybody ever said she was gook looking in the first place. Poor Uma looks like a victim of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome as her eyes are virtually on the sides of her head and it seems to be getting worse by the day. She would probably make for a sweet point guard in the NBA as her “no look” passing abilities would be off the charts.

Also worthy of nomination is Sofia Vergara. No doubt a beautiful woman but she earns honorable mention on this list because I cannot imagine the torment of having to listen to her talk on a daily basis.

Jennifer Garner

Every time I see her I think her mouth resembles that of an octopus with pointed teeth that go all around her mouth, sort of like a real-life Squiddly Diddly (those of you under the age of 40 can use Google to look up this hilarious, blue cephalopod.) Pretty sure if you were to take her camping you could leave the can opener at home and just jam your bean can up under her lips and twist. And what’s with the muscles? Bleh (that’s the sound of me gagging FYI.)

I’ve never really liked her husband Ben Affleck either. I always thought it was because of his holier-than-thou political activism, and I truly do hate him for that, but now I see that his judgement is for shit as well. How am I to value his opinion on whom to vote for, since he feels compelled to cram it down our throats constantly, or what to do about global warming when I know that he finds this gargoyle attractive? As long as we’re on politics for a second, what better place for the “rest of us” to go for political advice than somebody who probably dropped out of high school and now makes their living pretending to be somebody else on film? Who appointed these people the bellwether on knowing who to vote for? I, for one, haven’t voted since the second Reagan administration because I will not be made a fool of but if I did vote, I am not going to look to Barbara Streisand for guidance. She sings, that it! What makes this melonhead Matt Damon worthy of a visit to the White House? Because he made a fucking movie? Does that make any sense to anyone? What kind of a special idiot does one have to be to take advice on who to vote for from these people?

Sorry, got off track there a bit but it’s not that Jennifer Garner is ugly or anything, she clearly isn’t. It’s that we are told that she is stone cold hot and she just isn’t and I object profoundly.

Cameron Diaz

Yes, she looked good in The Mask and, yes, she looked good in There’s Something About Mary but those movies were a hundred years ago and now she just looks like ten miles of bad road. Again, this isn’t about aging, I’m not saying she looks old and gross, just gross. Plus she looks filthy like she just came off a bender. Gross, greasy and hungover are not the characteristics of attractiveness.

Julia Roberts & Sarah Jessica Parker

I have opted to group these two into one literary equine stable as they both look like a two-legged version of Secretariat. More so Roberts than Parker but if you took their heads and jammed them on a kid’s hobby horse you probably wouldn’t be able to notice the difference from the wooden original. These two would draw better than decent odds in the fifth at Belmont, surely at least worth a show bet.

Plop either of them down in any given office environment and they’re at the top of the looks heap but not so in the movies. I’m looking for more from a leading lady than these two horse-toothed jackasses and by their smug attitudes, they seem to be buying into this beauty bullshit too. Don’t they have access to a mirror?

Scarlett Johansson

You know why she always has her melon cleavage on display for the paparazzi? So you don’t notice her crooked face. We are being sold a bill of goods. What is a “bill of goods” anyway and why is it so bad?

Now she’s lost a bunch of weight and it was all at the expense of her boobs and butt exposing her for the fraud that she always was. It was like when Toto pulled the curtain back on the Wizard or when we found out that McDonald’s makes their nuggets with that pink slime. Scarlett Johansson is pink slime.  Like, “This is what you were hiding?!? Holy hell!” At her current playing weight she reminds me a lot of that scary, preacher ghost guy in Poltergeist 2.

So there you go. Comments? Have I omitted anyone?

“It was a stone groove my man! You are the most righteous…. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just get the fuck out.”