avatar

Top 5 Worst Movies of All-Time

So how does one define the worst of anything exactly? And in the case of movies, where there are literally thousands upon thousands of options, is it even fair to narrow the list to a simple five? There are so many variables that can make you hate a movie that don’t even have anything to do with the movie in the first place. Did the popcorn suck? Did you sit in gum? Did the theater smell like vomit? This kind of thing can ruin the entire experience and sour even a blockbuster.

Like this time we went to see District 9, it was a patently horrible piece of cinematic garbage but what really soured me on it was the argument I got into with this asshat sitting in front of us who didn’t like us talking during the pre-preview commercials. You know the part of the movie when they tell you to turn off your cell phone? He turns around and tells us to, “shut the fuck up!” I being a lover not a fighter, said something to the effect of, “Relax man, the movie hasn’t even started yet.” Well, this was like an act of war to this idiot and we proceeded to argued thru the actual movie previews, the very piece he was apparently intent on seeing. Dumbass. In the end, District 9 didn’t need any help sucking but even if it was even remotely tolerable, I would have hated it based on my movie going experience. Where is the stupid, zit-faced kid with the flashlight and the ill-fitting uniform jacket when you need him?

The films, and I use the term film loosely, had to come with some critical acclaim, starred actors that we’ve actually heard of and was in genuine theaters not one of those straight to video pieces of garbage. Has there ever been a “straight to video” movie that was any good? You didn’t see Godfather II put out on Beta or laser disc. Why? Because it’s good and they didn’t mind spending money to promote it. I think porn is sold “straight to video” because it pretty much sells itself. They don’t need big opening night events with stars spilling out of limos in fancy clothes to sell their wares they just put a big set of melons of the cover of the box and give it a catchy name like, “Ass Pirates in Space Part 10.” Then they sit back and collect their profits.

Anyway, to be on this list the movie had to be of some prominence it had to be billed as a winner and I had to hate it.

Worst Movies Ever

Nacho Libre

Donny Darko

Year One

The Wall

Avatar / Dances With Wolves

Nacho Libre –

When I turn on Netflix and see Nacho Libre headlined as the new big release it makes me think less of Netflix. Like, seriously, how do you not see what a toolbox this Jack Black guy is and not worry about risking your reputation being sullied by just how awful a person and actor he is? It’s like bringing a whore home to meet your family. Everybody knows what she is and is horrified by her but stands aghast at just what lows you’ve fallen to. Her who-ha is hanging out all over the place and your old dirty uncle may catch a glance at it every time she sits down but what’s really going on is that your family is thinking that you’ve lost you dignity and your mind. In this example, you are Netflix and Jack Black is the whore. I didn’t really need to point that out but I wanted to add someplace in here that, “Jack Black is a whore.”

I hate Jack Black. He irritates me to no end. My problem with him stems from his propensity to over act from, what I perceive to be, a more than unsatisfied need for attention. I hate him. I’m using the word “hate” here. I also believe that playing a part in a movie may actually tame or corral him pertinent to his role in that film which translates to him being an even bigger knob in real life than he is in his inane movies. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I hate him.

In this cinematic embarrassment, Jack Black plays a monk tortured by the dream that he should have been a Mexican professional wrestler. Brilliant, right? Hard to believe that the writer of this trash didn’t win an Academy Award. Eventually, he can stand it no more and goes out to pursue his dream and becomes Luchador. Incidentally, Luchador, in Spanish, means “wrestler.” Can’t believe they went so far out on the limb with the character name, duh.

There aren’t words here to describe just how much I hate this movie. Without Jack Black this waste of celluloid would never have made it off the cutting room floor. I don’t know what celluloid is or if they even use it any longer but I’ve heard other people use the term and stuck with tradition here. Let it suffice to say that if they had invested in a flip book and crayons and drawn the whole thing, it would have been a huge waste of crayons.

I cannot fail here to mention that the vision of a rather rotund and filthy Jack Black in a leotard is not something I ever want to entertain again. I’m sure it was intended as some attempt at humor but all it did was remind me that he, in spite of what I may think, has a penis.

The New York Times reviewer Manohla Dargis said that Nacho Libre was “endearingly ridiculous.” Are you kidding me? I will never respect your opinion again. Not that I did in the first place because I’ve never heard of this Manohla person before but c’mon! You work for The New York Times for God’s sake. At one point you must have had some credibility to rise to these sorts of ranks but it was all lost in two short words.

Steven Rea from the Philadelphia Inquirer said, “Black’s “caped” Luchador grows on you like a fun guy.” What does that even mean? “Grows on you like a fun guy?” Perhaps Mr. Rea was misquoted and meant to say “grows on you like a fungi?”

If you do chose to see this movie, might I suggest an Ativan to help deal with the resulting anxiety induced by this atrocity?

Donny Darko –

I am aware that there is a rather large cult following for this next movie, Donny Darko, but, in spite, of that myopic crowd of low standards, I must say that this is just a nauseating movie. I mean, what the hell is going on in this flick? What’s with the giant evil stuffed rabbit? There is mention of time travel though I saw none of it. Do I need to be tripping to understand and appreciate these movies? I hardly think that I should have to be in a chemically induced hallucinatory state to appreciate a movie!

Jake Gyllenhaal is in this movie. It’s weird because I have lived under the assumption that this Jake Gyllenhall guy and the guy who played Spiderman, Tobey Maguire were the same person until I saw them both in this other stupid movie called Brothers. One of them, not sure which since I can’t tell them apart, comes home from war or some shit and finds his brother banging his wife. Certainly not a cool circumstance to come home to but can you really blame her? She probably couldn’t tell them apart either.

Anyway, dumb movie, don’t see it. This idiocy is saved from being the worst ever by the creative minds who brought us Nacho Libre.

Year One –

I think I have made my feelings about Jack Black known, He sucks and so does Year One. Incidentally, Netflix is now headlining this ridiculous piece of sophomoric garbage as their “new feature.” I’m now starting to think that my decision to hitch my wagon to Netflix horse was a bad idea.

Does Michael Cera really act or does he just bring his little whiney bitch real-life attitude into his movies?

The Wall –

Is Pink Floyd’s The Wall really a movie? I’m often asked that when I go into one of my rants on how insipid a film it really is. I think that if we’re using the word “movie” to describe something that I enjoyed and had an impact on me either positive or negative then the answer is no. But I did see this horrifying example of cinematography in a theater, so I say it’s a movie and I also say that it is the fourth worst movie of all time.

I hate this movie so much that it makes me not want to listen to the accompanying album which is sad because it really is a great piece of rock and roll. Bob Geldoff, frontman of the 70’s and 80’s band, The Boomtown Rats, plays Pink, a tortured rock star descending into madness. You know who really descended into madness? Me. Watching this movie as like taking the Space Shuttle to Belleview. At least Why does he have to be so dirty? The whole movie disgusts me and gives me a feeling of needing to shower with acid and a Brillo pad.

Avatar / Dances with Wolves –

I realize that both of these movies are hugely popular and gated tons of money but I am telling you that they are just awful, the worst. Why are they grouped together here? You might suspect a tie but you would be wrong. It’s because they are the same damned movie! One has blue people and the other Civil War soldiers but intrinsically, they are identical and it pisses me off. Let me make it clear that I detested Dances with Wolves long before Avatar even came out. It’s too long and agonizing. In fact, the original cut was over six hours long. Holy shit!

Back to DWW and Avatar being the same movie. Think about it, in DWW we have this Civil War guy sent out to the middle of buttfuck nowhere and he makes secret friends with the supposed to be “enemies.” Thru his interaction with these people, he becomes one of them and ends up fighting for and with them. Then you have Avatar, a guy dresses up as a blue dude to infiltrate the enemy and ends up falling for another blue chick and fights for them against his own people. Tell me, what the damn difference?!?!

I remember sitting thru both movies thinking just kill them all. The soldiers, the Indians, the blue people. Just all of you die so I can be put out of my misery. It hit my while suffering thru Avatar that I had seen this movie before and was equally despondent. At that point I realized that this crap was the same damn thing as that Civil War bleeding heart bullshit. I was nearly in tears. Isn’t it bad enough that they made this once let alone twice?!?!

There you have it. The Top 5 Worst Movies of All Time. I would add that if there were such a thing as a Top 6 list I would have added The English Patient. All that sand left me feeling depressed and the story was agonizingly long. I have come to the conclusion that if I’m watching a movie and subconsciously wishing everyone would just die so I could leave the building, it’s probably not a good movie.