Random Thoughts on Wendy’s Fries, the Whopper, Pink Slime and Chuck Taylor’s

I haven’t been obsessing about anything in particular lately. However there seem to be a lot of smaller issues running through my head but nothing of any major prominence…

With that,

I’ve tinkered with the idea, lately, of putting together a compendium on fast food ordering etiquette but the word compendium demands a subject of more prominent volume and cries out for a topic of something other than Burger King. When you use the word compendium it should be about history, religion or the writings of Nabokov. Something big and important. Let’s just say that I have a few observations and “rules to live by” that I would like to impart to you.

As long as we’ve already touched on Burger King, I would like to go off subject and end all debate, the Whopper with cheese is the best fast food burger of all time. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Everything else is just an “also ran.”. However, there is one draw back, the Whopper is an “eat in” only sandwich. It’s too loosely wrapped to last through the ride home. Back in my day, these fast food joints used to pack your sandwich in a Styrofoam container that ensured freshness and heat retention. Now because of all of the environmental worry that has resulted in making us care more about nature and shit and less about the temperature of my food, I am now forced to make dine in or dine out decisions based on whether or not I can make it home before my bun turns hard and the ketchup starts to run. Does anyone like cold french fries? When fries are cold then leave an oily sheen in your mouth. It’s disgusting.

As for the environment and how it pertains to my meal, we’ve all seen these gruesome pictures of what our litter does to animals, plastic islands and such. When I see these pictures, I cant help but wonder, why is a turtle swimming thru a 6 pack holder anyway? Was it for fun? So much fun that he just decided to leave it hanging on his neck until he eventually ate his way into it becoming a tourniquet? And now because this stupid animal can’t make better decisions I have to eat my delicious Whopper while sitting in a booth chair full of some fat guys ass filth.

I always get a “road burger” when I go through the drive-thru line. My usual choice is a double cheeseburger. It’s compact and usually wrapped in paper. Eating a road burger keeps me from continually opening and closing the bag for a handful of fries while driving home. You can’t eat a Whopper while you drive. Too messy. That’s sage advice. You’re welcome.

I hate Wendy’s fries. I like the idea of Wendy’s fries with the skin on and all. It’s a very hearty, raw and rugged look but, in reality, what I always end up with box full of overly fried potato skin fragments. There are never enough fries in the box. A lot of the volume is taken up by pieces of fried-fried crunchy stuff.

Lastly, when McDonald’s got busted red-handed for poisoning people with their pink slime and such, they made drastic and desperate changes to their recipes that have left their food virtually tasteless or at the very least, different tasting (when I say different, I mean worse). Like, I don’t eat at McDonald’s enough for it to kill me, so can I please just have the deliciousness chemicals back? The nuggets were so tasty and I want them left alone, pink goo and all. The problem isn’t what they put in their nuggets or how they’re made. The real problem is that douche from the Food Channel who decided to put the video of their production on YouTube. I was totally fine until then. Thanks a lot, you invasive and assumptive asshole. I was perfectly content with the nuggets until you came along.

Has shoe shopping changed at all that much since, like, almost a hundred years ago? I mean, I’m in my early 50’s and I walk thru a department store and see that same metal shoe sizing thing and the same poor bastard running back and forth getting two sizes of the same shoe for people to try on. Who doesn’t know their shoe size anyway? I order my shoes online and have never had to send a pair back. Why? I wear a size 10 and that’s what I order.

Remember how the shoe salesman would always come back with another pair of shoes you might like just so he could get you to buy two pair? Clever right? He might wear a short-sleeved shirt and the wide-tie but he is no a dip shit. Shoe guy is a cut-throat shark.

You know when you are searching online for, say, primate condoms because your pet monkey keeps impregnating the family dog and then for the next six months you get advertisements for animal prophylactics running all over your screen? Yeah, Amazon and Google stole that shit from the lowly shoe salesman. It’s called an up-sell. Shoe guy invented that shit. Amazon should be kissing his polyester covered ass for that idea.

Shoe guy – “I thought this purple pump would look fabulous on you madam and we just happen to have it in a 7.”

Lady – “Well, you are pretty sophisticated and you do hold this position of prominence at  Kinney Shoes so you must know best. I’ll take them!”

What took so long to invent the shoe anyway? Like how many thousands of years did people step in shit before somebody decided to put something on the bottom of their foot for protection? I mean, i’m not a fucking history major so I don’t have a clue how long ago it was but let’s just say it probably took a while. The average person can’t name three US Presidents and half the population believes the Earth is flat so I don’t put a lot of faith in humanity figuring out the leather upper and the insole in a timely fashion.

Today’s athletic shoes may look bad ass and they are supposed to offer more support based on all of our modern technology but all I can think about is Bill Russell. Back in the 1950’s Bill Russell and the rest of the Boston Celtics, won 11 NBA championships in 13 years and you know what they wore on their feet? Those stupid, clunky, black Chuck Taylor’s that offered absolutely no arch support. They were flat tops for Christ sake too. The ankle was all exposed and shit. He didn’t get to pump up his sneakers with air before a game and he probably wore the same pair till they rotted out from underneath him. While we’re at it, guess how many times did Bill Russell blew out his ankle or knee from playing in what amounts to a Dutch wooden shoe? Zero. The answer is zero. I think. I mean, I wasn’t alive then so I don’t really know. He may have been a virtual cripple for all I know.

By the way, that metal shoe sizing thing is called a Brannock Shoe Sizer and it was invented in 1927. Jesus! Nothing since?



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