The Dick Hole Flap Flap

I don’t know when thongs came into being for women but I’m pretty sure it was after I was off of the market. I don’t remember encountering a thong back in my heyday. Having never worn a thong, it’s tough for me to say but those things look pretty uncomfortable all crammed up your butt crack and all. Not that I’m at all in favor of bringing back the giant panties. They’re just horrible. There really  could not be a more sexually deflating piece of clothing ever created than the giant panty. I’m really glad those days are behind us.

For the most part, I’m a boxer brief guy. I never had a problem with what they nowadays call “tighty whities.” Mostly because that’s all we had back then. Sure you had your boxers but those were for old men who wore those leather straps to hold their socks up. No one under the age of 70 wore boxers. When I was a teenager they started making bikini briefs for men and I was never comfortable with those either. They were too close to what women wore and the name “bikini” certainly doesn’t illicit any feelings of secure manliness. Life was hard enough at the age of 14 without scrambling my sexual identity with androgynous co-ed under garments.

Bikini briefs can also make the laundry process more arduous. Who wants to have to hold every last pair of underwear up to the light to tell who it belongs to? I want my underwear to scream that they belong to a man and I don’t want to inadvertently have my wife slip into a set of mine only to find out that they have a dick hole.

Inevitably, I had to make the move to boxer briefs mainly because society simply frowns on the man who wears tighty whities. Who in the world ever decided to make men’s underwear white anyway? Seriously? Like, “We’re here today in this meeting to come to an agreement on what color is best for our new line of what we’re going to call, men’s underwear. It’s my opinion that wives should be able to see exactly how much urine and crap is in every pair of their husband’s draws and I say we go with iridescent white. All in agreement say AYE.

Boxers never really did anything for me either. You cant wear them with shorts because when you sit down anybody sitting across from you is going to get an unwanted eyeful of your boys. Without a tighter pair of pants like jeans, boxers leave you just hanging there and it’s an uncomfortable feeling. Plus when you’re just hanging there and you’re on the move, you run the risk of getting sore balls like if Life just used them as it’s punching bag for the day.

In these cases, tighty whities, boxers and boxer briefs, men’s underwear comes with a flap in the front that is supposed to be used as a doorway to make the process of  urinating easier. Bikini briefs do not, in my limited experience, come equipped with this flap technology but as they are, for all intents and purposes, women’s panties, I will no longer refer to them. If you wear them and are offended, I am not sorry and you really should thank me for cluing you in.

I have silently but sometimes publicly struggled over the proper use of this dick hole flap that comes as standard equipment on most of your varieties of men’s underwear. In all cases, this flap is so poorly designed that most men just pull down the front of their draws to perform the act of relieving themselves. No one goes to pee casually. While there may not always be a need to break into a full on sprint to the bathroom most people are generally in a damn hurry to get there and men, in this case, do not have the time to fuck around with a dick flap when under the gun.

Getting back to boxers, boxers don’t have a dick hole flap. They just have a hole. Sometimes the hole has a button on it but the button offers very little protection. With or without the button, wearing boxers does not offer me the kind of support and control I need and they expose a man to spilling back out of his draws and emasculating himself between two sides of a  rusty, dull vice grip we call a zipper. Every zip up your bag? It fucking hurts.

As previously mentioned, white briefs and boxer briefs both come equipped with, what is called in the industry, a dick hole flap. This flap is intended to grant proper access and facilitate the process of relieving oneself. This is not a casual flap or opening like a pair of boxers has but rather two rather large pieces of material laid one over the other that, in every case I’ve ever experienced, requires the user to be some kind of a fucking hand contortionist to make it work. I envision those people who practice pick-pocketing or can move a coin over their knuckles to be the only ones capable of making use of the dick flap.

Extracating your “guy” and freeing it from this genital snare is like reliving the first time you tried to tie your shoes all by yourself. Fumbling around all over the place like a monkey trying to do algebra. The difference being, in this case, instead of your kindly mom or dad propping you up on the nearest chair to re-tie your shoes for you, with this penis flap thing, you end up pissing all over your hand. Maybe it’s my age but I don’t have the time to be fucking around with this thing. I mean, I don’t suffer from any prostate issues or anything but I drink a lot of fucking water and when I have to go I cannot take the time to properly use the underwear as it was intended.