The Top 5 Worst Songs Ever

Top 5 Worst Songs of All Time

Let’s face it, there is a lot of shitty music out there. I do realize that music is a very subjective business though, its appeal is always relative to the listener. Sadly though, the listener is usually a troglodytic Neanderthal who has no appreciation for what is really good and is entertained by music equal to the culinary equivalent of a fish sandwich from the gas station. I, for instance, am a huge jazz fan, real jazz, not that plug your instrument in and jam out to stuff made for an leisurely elevator ride. I like my jazz raw and acoustic, Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, Art Tatum, etc., but I am fully aware that most of the populace hates my music. I get it, jazz is an acquired taste and I also get that I am kind of a conceited dick about it too.

The Top 5 Worst Songs Ever list has to be built from songs that actually were appreciated and charted. Songs that were embraced by the general public and were and continue to be played on the radio at an excruciating frequency. There are literally tens of thousands of songs that are much worse than the five on my list but everybody knows that they suck. I mean, “Puttin on the Ritz” by Taco is a horrendous song but doesn’t have enough exposer to qualify. People like Shaggy are also disqualified before the debate even begins because they suck so much.

Even good bands make bad music. Ever heard the Flash Gordon soundtrack by Queen? Two songs into this album and you’ll want to jamb an ice pick into your ear drum. Van Morrison, of “Moondance” fame, made an album called “Payin Dues” filled with a couple of dozen 1-2 minutes ditties written purposefully bad so that he could get out of a perceived insufficient record contract. That kind of spleen draining musical vitriol doesn’t count here as even the artist knows it sucks.

I’m not entirely sure whether this list is an indictment of the artists who produced these musical atrocities or the people who dug them enough to make them famous. The people who actually went out of their way to call a radio station and request, “Time of Your Life” by Green Day should be locked away from the rest of us who are trying our best to develop some kind of refined musical style. Do people call radio stations anymore? Does anyone even listen to the radio anymore?

There is no accounting for taste. People eat Cheez Wiz, pork rinds and are wrapping bacon around Oreos and deep frying them so it’s inevitable that the lack of taste in true epicureal delights would spill over into music from time to time, I just don’t have to like it along with the rest of the cattle.

Red, Red Wine –

I abhor reggae. It is really the worst kind of rhythmic clatter ever inflicted on a people. Every freaking song sounds exactly the same which makes it easy because if you hate one, you hate them all. Reggae is also an excruciating and unrelenting lullaby to smoke pot by, it’s more of a serenade to burning yourself out to. Marijuana really seems to be the only hallucinogenic to have its own theme music which I guess is pretty cool. Like there isn’t a particular kind of music to smoke crack to.

With the song “Red, Red Wine” the mediocre UB40 took my distaste for this genre to another level of hate. Before I get started on the specifics, did you know that this contemptible song was written by Neil Diamond back in the 60’s? I know, right? Who gives a shit?

“Red, Red Wine” transcends all of my hatred from reggae though. I remember sitting in clubs back in the 80’s and when this song would come on the girls would go nuts screaming and running to be the first ones on the dance floor. I, now sitting alone, would contract a pained scowl on my face and spend the following 20 minutes asking, “What’s wrong with you? Do you know what kind of an idiot you have to be to be entertained by that song!?” This probably explains my unrequited efforts to get laid. There’s nothing hotter to a chick than being told that she’s an idiot.

This song with that pimply voiced crooner actually hit number one on the UK charts and made up as high as 34 in the US. This is truly a sad state of affairs and makes me lose faith in humanity.

We Built This City –

Back in the 60’s, Jefferson Airplane, used to be a kick-ass rock band. They actually played at Woodstock and gave us great hippie tunes like “White Rabbit” and “Somebody to Love.” For sure, if reggae is the music of the pot smoker then Airplane served the same purpose for your acid droppers.

As the years passed, band members came and went but even after they changed their name to Jefferson Starship they still churned out some good tunes like, “Jane,” “Miracles” and “Count on Me.” However things took a precipitously bad turn to the hideous when they decided to drop the Jefferson moniker altogether and just run with Starship. Not sure who this Jefferson fellow was but he seems to have been the finger in the dyke holding back a harmonious torrent of horror.

Case in point, “We Built this City,” a song for the nonsensically named album, Knee Deep in the Hoopla. What city, exactly did they build?” I know Starship came from San Francisco and I know Grace Slick is old as fuck but they built nothing, San Francisco is and old city even older than Grace Slick. They never really specify. The lyrics are preposterous, further embedding this song in the Top 5 Worst of All Time. Take a gander at this drivel:

Marconi plays the mambo, listen to the radio Don’t you remember? We built this city We built this city on rock and roll

Marconi plays the mambo? Marconi is the inventor of the radio but I don’t recall him or any other station ever playing any mambo music and they keep insisting that they built “this” city. Alright! Fine. You built it just please stop singing about it.

I liken the demise of Airplane to this one time when my friend Joe Rodriguez got tore-up drunk back in college. Joe was one of those cute, little guys that girls love to cuddle but this night he stood up in front of everyone and pissed his pants. It was in public too right after he had called for everyone’s attention. Starship’s pissfest was more metaphorical but in the end, they still pissed themselves.

Sussudio –

This little piece of heaven was a 1985 release of Phil Collins’ and here we are thirty years later and it still sucks just as bad. Sussudio is supposed to be the name of some girl he had a crush on. What irritates me most is that Sussudio is not a person’s name.

Remember how kick ass Genesis was back before Phil Collins took his axe of shame to it. I guess, in the long run, I need to blame Peter Gabriel for leaving the band and creating a hole for this weasel to crawl through. I have, in the works, a Top 5 list of the best bands ruined by d-bags and, rest assured, Phil Collins and the hatchet job he did on Genesis will be featured.

I really have a chip on my shoulder about this guy not only for what he did to Genesis but also because I can’t help but notice the striking resemblance he has to Earnest T. Bass from the old Andy Griffith show.

Sussudio is a musical nightmare and I hate it. The only thing worse than Sussudio is the Extended Mix of Sussudio.

Don’t Worry Be Happy –

Is this even a song? Bobby McFerrin is an accomplished vocalist. He conducts and has won a Grammy like ten times. How does a person this talented produce this kind of drivel? The entire five minutes or so is filled with McFerrin making noises that set off my Misophonia (see the Top 5 Things That Annoy Me) like nothing else.

Five minutes of this ten time Grammy award winner making cracking and popping sounds. Is this McFerrin or that idiot from Police Academy doing his ridiculous sound effect shtick?

Plus I hate his laissez faire bullshit attitude. Yeah, sure, don’t worry, just be happy. Life is all about happiness, right? Just be happy. Nothing bad will ever happen. Stick it up your ass you pie in the sky toolbox. I refuse to be happy.

In his defense, his Beyond Words album is a masterpiece. If you are so inclined, I recommend checking out his song, Invocation. It is awesome! Holy shit! I just said something nice! Maybe Bobby did have an effect on me.

Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now –

Another Starship masterpiece. Please refer to We Built This City. However, I will just take a moment to add another thought. This song was actually picked up as the theme song for the insipid movie Mannequin back in the late 80’s. Mannequin was about this total a-hole loser who falls in love with a store mannequin, I know, what a dick, and wills it to life. That’s the cherry on the sundae of a big pile of poop.

Worst Songs

Red, Red Wine

We Built This City

Sussudio

Don’t Worry Be Happy

Nothing’s Going To Stop Us Now

“See I told you y’all was a couple of f*ggots. You ain’t Jacuzzi-an nobody”

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