A trend has been developing lately that is quite disturbing to me. Not that it’s doing me or anyone else any harm but whoever decided that waterproofing every last god damned thing we own is now, suddenly, of vital importance? Did something happen? Is global warming super real now? Are the polar icecaps melting at an alarming rate and perilously surrounding us with more and more water? Why are we around so much water all of the sudden that we need our accouterments sealed from this ever-growing and pervasive moisture?
In my mind, this obsession with keeping dry started when we all started carrying our cell phones around like they were life giving oxygen tanks or something. I see people at the urinal all the time reading the news, texts, emails or whatever else they can’t do without for the next 30 seconds. They look ridiculous and I cant help but wish to be there when they drop their expensive phone into a pool of loamy community urine. Can’t we put our phones down for just a few god damn seconds? Long enough to at least take a piss and not drop the stupid thing in the effing toilet? Before cell phones, I cannot think of one thing I ever dropped in the toilet. I’ve never dropped my phone in the toilet but I’m just saying, why is this expensive piece of electronics perilously hovering above the toilet in the first place? One small consolation though is the discovery of a new use for white rice. Drop your urine saturated iPhone into a bowl of rice and it might soak up enough of the liquid filth for it to function again. What about brown rice? Does brown rice work too? Can it be cooked like fried rice?
I thought of a few things where I think waterproofing comes in damn handy and no where on this list will there be an expensive piece of electronics. Shoes and boots should be waterproof. Maybe not all of them but certainly ones meant for hiking and shit like that. Gloves and mittens should be waterproof and diapers. Maps used by people fucking around in the wilderness hiking and shit like that should be waterproof. Along those same lines, matches should always be waterproof.
Lastly, bandages should be waterproof. I cut my finger and every time I wash my hands I have to put on a new bandage? I have a germ problem. Do you know how many times a day I wash my hands? Can somebody come out with a bandage that doesn’t disintegrate every time my hands get wet!?!? Dammit! There is a growing fashion craze amongst the hipster crowd for wooden watches. I believe that a wooden watch, as stupid as it is, should be waterproof so that every time the idiot who bought it sweats, it doesn’t swell up and split.
In addition, and because I have a flawed perception that people actually care about my opinion, I threw together a list of things that, under no circumstances, should ever be waterproof. If for no other reason than as a punishment for being a fucking idiot and dropping your shit in water. I didn’t want to rely on my own insight here and actually Googled the best of all waterproof products and this is what i came up with.
Playing Cards
Really? Cards? Who’s playing poker in the rain? What is the matter with you? The “you” being anyone who bought these things for three times the price of regular cards. I swear to God, 70% of the population of this country is mentally ill. You know what you do when you have a rousing game of pinochle interrupted by a sudden downpour? You go in the fucking house. You don’t sit in it like some kind of a mind numb asshole secure in the fact that while you may be getting wet, your cards are not.
Speakers
Since when did we need to listen to music so badly that we felt the necessity to invent a waterproof speaker? Not the kind that goes in the shower with you although you could just as easily put a regular speaker on the bathroom counter that would offer the exact same quality of sound but wouldn’t be susceptible to black mold.
You’re in the shower for 5-10 minutes tops. Ladies maybe a bit more if there is some manicuring to do but still, we have become so dysfunctional and in need of instant gratification so much that we can’t go 15 fucking minutes without listening to some stupid song?
Why do we need speakers that float in the pool? There’s even a speaker being marketed as being impervious to salt water. Salt water? Like I’m taking this into the ocean with me? Aren’t there waves anymore? Does this ridiculous product come with an anchor so it doesn’t float away in a riptide?
Phones
We’ve done this one already. You drop your phone in the water and you aren’t in the effing Coast Guard or calling the effing Coast Guard, then you got what you deserved.
Keyboards
Does it make any sense to have a waterproof keyboard but the rest of the computer is not? Is the intent for me to sit in the rain with my new keyboard and run a cable through a semi-open window to the rest of the unit? Why on earth would I do such a thing? What was the impetus behind such a stupid invention? What I want is to run my reports but to sit in the rain while I do it.
The Waterproof Bible
This is seriously a real product. Expensive too, 50 bucks! Why in the hell does anyone need a waterproof book of any kind? Is this stupid thing some kind of a sissy’s cilice? Like I’m not quite into self-flagellation enough to wrap a sharp and rusty piece of barbed wire around my thigh but I do like to punish myself for my sins by sitting in the rain reading God’s word. Can you imagine how pleased God would be if you were to read this Bible in a blinding hurricane?
I also found a few listings for waterproof chalk and chalkboards. At the time it didn’t seem necessary to make note of it but on second thought I got to wondering just how you’re supposed to erase the fucking thing?
JP Shaver Says.... 