Top 5 Things That Annoy Me
Of course there are things that irritate me more those that appear on this list like war, poverty, the threat of a nuclear war and those fish in the Amazon that are attracted by uric acid and worm their way up inside your pee hole but everybody else hates that stuff too. No, this list has to be specific to my contorted and maladjusted mind and free of things obviously annoying.
This was literally the fastest list I ever put together and it has not changed since I first penned it about ten years ago. With that, welcome to my instability….
Chewing sounds –
Nothing and I mean nothing sends me into a blinding rage like listening to somebody chew. I don’t know why. It’s stupid and I admit that but if you plop down next to me with a bag of chips and start munching on them, the entire time I will literally be fighting the urge to put my fist through the wall.
I was told that this is an actual “disorder” called Misophonia. I looked it up, Wikipedia says:
Misophonia, literally “hatred of sound”, is a rarely diagnosed neuropsychiatric disorder in which negative emotions (anger, flight, hatred, and disgust) are triggered by specific sounds. The sounds can be loud or soft.
Seriously? Does everything have to be a disease anymore? It goes on to say:
People who have Misophonia are most commonly angered by specific sounds, such as slurping, throat-clearing, nail-clipping, chewing, drinking, tooth-brushing, breathing, sniffing, talking, sneezing, yawning, walking, gum-chewing or popping, laughing, snoring, typing, coughing, humming, whistling, singing, certain consonants, or repetitive sounds.
Not gonna lie, just from reading the list, I need to meditate. My buddy’s jaw clicks every time he chews and it drives me fucking insane. I cannot enjoy a meal with him because all I want to do is reach over the table and punch him in the face which leads me to Wikipedia’s next entry:
Sufferers experience fight/flight symptoms such as sweating, muscle tension, and quickened heartbeat. Some even feel unwanted sexual arousal, caused by the over-activation of hormonal circuits.
I will admit that when I do have an outburst which would go down something like this, “How many chips are left in the fucking bag!!!” I am always left rather embarrassed but if I don’t say something I feel like I’m going to explode. I will say, though, while it may be true for some people, I have never experienced any occurrences of sexual arousal because of some rude lout chomping on a bag of Chili Cheese Fritos and that may be the only thing keeping me from seeking medication for this affliction. The day I get a hard-on from Misophonia is the day I check myself into the psych ward.
Movie silence –
I think this affliction is tied back to the chewing sounds thing but it rates honorable mention because of just how irrationally enraged it makes me.
Picture yourself in a movie theater. The previews have just ended and the movie is just about to start but first we have to see all of the companies involved in the production of the film. Most of these little snippets from companies like Amblin Entertainment, don’t have any sound and I am left with complete movie silence resulting in me being isolated in a room full of strangers digging into cellophane candy bags and munching on stale popcorn. I feel trapped, angry and panicked. Like if I was an animal in a snare, I would, at this point, chew my foot off just to escape this place running (although now limping on my stump) and screaming into the parking lot. It’s like I’m in a room where one –hundred people just sidled up to the trough to be slopped like a hog.
Pouring sounds on the radio –
Misophonia, misophonia, misophonia. I am starting to realize that I have a problem. Pouring sounds make me want to rip the radio right out of the dashboard and chuck it out onto the road.
People who try too hard to be liked –
Let me decide for myself if I want to be your friend rather than you cramming yourself up my butthole.
New guy I meet at a party – “so, uh, hey Jon, so, uh, what are you into?”
Me – “I’m a fanatic for ancient Sumerian history and how it relates to other cultures and prophecy.”
New guy – “What? Really? Me too. Maybe we could get together sometime and talk.”
Me – “No.”
So am I to really believe that this idiot is into Sumerian history as it relates to ancient cultures or is he just trying to get into my proverbial pants?
Insurance commercials –
How much money exactly could I save on my auto insurance if these people just cut back a bit on the commercials? I want to stab Flo from Progressive in the eye with a fork. That fucking lizard? He makes me want to hate an entire nation of Australians.
Speaking of Australians, what’s with the continued use of the “shrimp on the barbie” bullshit from Outback Steakhouse? That was popular, and wrongly so, in the 80’s, like over 30 years ago! I don’t even think that Crocodile Dundee guy is even alive anymore so can we please stop?
I used to like the acting of that guy from the Allstate commercials and the guy shilling for Farmer’s is like an Oscar winning actor and now I can’t stand the site of either of them.
I will gladly change insurance providers to the first company who steps up and promises to stop punishing me with insipid marketing.
Since I used three of my Top 5 on sounds that drive me insane, I felt like I could and should break my cardinal rule and make this a Top 6 list.
So I humbly submit my supplemental sixth entry, I hate to share. I don’t mind helping out people who are genuinely down on their luck. I donate clothes, money, food, all that crap, to help give someone a leg up on getting out of poverty but I draw the line at sharing with somebody who just happens to like what I have, wants a piece of it and has the means to go get it themselves.
So I had the foresight to stop and score myself a four pack of Mallo Cups and because you didn’t, you think I should give you some? I think not. I put in the thought here. I put in the effort as well. You want some Mallo Cups, there’s a gas station down the street, go get yourself some.
What are those cardboard coupons in Mallo Cup packs anyway? They’re called something like Mallo Money. Does anybody even know what I’m talking about? I may be the only person who loves Mallo Cups. Seriously, the best chocolate candy ever made but that’s for another list.
My mother used to tell me that I was stingy even as a child. She always thought it was some kind of character flaw but I see it as having an inborn, innate sense of justice. Even a toddler could tell that you have no stake in my Mallo Cup claim.
I have a penchant for Munchos. I could eat them three meals a day. Yes, I realize they are reconstituted potato flakes but they are delicious. Nobody ever has anything good to say about Munchos until I have a bag. I cannot imagine the suffering I would endure having to share my Munchos, listening to them chomping down on them like a cow chewing its cud while watching an insurance commercial. I may need to be hospitalized at that point.
Pouring sounds on the radio
People who try too hard to be liked
Sharing (honorable mention)