The Creepiest Sexual Predator Songs of All-Time

I was torn here as to whether I should break this post up into five smaller posts but was worried that some of you wouldn’t care for the subject matter and wouldn’t stand for an entire series on the music of sexual predators. Hence, I made an executive decision and decided to deal with it like one would pull of an old Band-Aid. Work your way thru it and let me know what I have forgotten.

The Creepiest Sexual Predator Songs of All-Time

This isn’t a subject that’s on my mind a lot but, I’ll tell you what, when one of these songs comes on, I, like Elvis, Get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling. I don’t want to hear songs that make me uncomfortable, it’s not fair to the listener. I didn’t molest anyone. I’m not the one who should be feeling greasy here. I think most people take these songs at face value and don’t want to dig deep. I on the other hand offer the:

Creepiest Sexual Predator Songs

Baby, it’s Cold Outside

You’re Sixteen, You’re Beautiful and You’re Mine

Into the Night

Rock and Roll Part 2 (Gary Glitter)

Anything by or involving Pete Townsend

Baby It’s Cold Outside –

Should a Christmas classic really be a play–by-play on how to drug and rape a girl? The answer is no, in the event that you’re torn here. The idea for this ditty came to me over Christmas when, having heard the Dean Martin Christmas classic, Baby It’s Cold Outside for the 100^th time, I actually started to listen to the words. I’m not sure what villainy caught my ear initially but the first verse is a good place to start:

My mother will start to worry – Beautiful, what’s your hurry My father will be pacing the floor – Listen to the fireplace roar So really I’d better scurry – Beautiful, please don’t hurry Well Maybe just a half a drink more – Put some music on while I pour

The first thing we can surmise from this is that clearly, this girl lives at home with her parents and they are already worried as to her whereabouts. She could be a college student, yes, or maybe even an old maid type but that line of thinking requires a little effort. It’s much easier to assume by the wording that this poor girl is a 16 or 17 year old high-schooler and you can actually hear her pleading for her life as Dean Martin begins feeding her alcohol to commence the date rape feeding. First of all Dino, it’s illegal to serve alcohol to minors and then secondly, what the fuck? You’re Dean Martin for god’s sake! Do you really need to inebriate an innocent teenager to get laid? The first half of the next verse gives a little more clarity as to what this predator has in mind.

The neighbors might think – Baby, it’s bad out there Say, what’s in this drink – No cabs to be had out there I wish I knew how – Your eyes are like starlight now To break this spell – I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell

The neighbors might think what exactly? Maybe they have kids too and maybe they should know about this hyena living on their block. “What’s in this drink?” Are you fucking kidding me? As if the alcohol isn’t enough for this innocent, Dean is now slipping her a ruffie? My God, I cannot believe that I have been listening to this song for decades without a clue of what’s really been going on. I can’t help but feel like I should do something to help.

Now that the date rape drug is starting to kick in….

I ought to say no, no, no, sir – Mind if I move a little closer At least I’m gonna say that I tried – What’s the sense in hurting my pride I really can’t stay – Baby don’t hold out Ahh, but it’s cold outside

A serious crime is being committed here. Plus now she’s calls him “sir?” Yikes. Like he’s one of her dad’s friends or something. No means no, Dean, and she said it three times.

My sister will be suspicious – Man, your lips look so delicious My brother will be there at the door – Waves upon a tropical shore My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious – Gosh your lips look delicious

This poor defenseless child is practically in tears at this point and the ruffie “Uncle” Dino slipped her is in full gear. As she begins to slip into the blackness, she tells Dean that her family is going to be hunting him down like a dog and he responds with incoherent, drunken babblings. She’s like, “dude, my sister is going to think I’m a whore and my brother and aunt are going to probably beat your old decrepit ass if not kill you and all you have to say in that swarthy, bullshit, pseudo Italian drawl is, gosh my lips look delicious?”

Henceforth, when I hear this song I feel like I will feel like I’ve witnessed a violent felony being committed. Nothing like a festive Christmas rape to ring in the holiday season, eh Dean? I can almost hear him thinking, “Once I’m done defiling you sexually, I’m going to cut your body to ribbons and decorate my tree with your entrails.”

She’s Sixteen –

Moving on, I expect better from a Beatle. I don’t know why I do but I just do. However, Ringo Starr’s song, “She’s Sixteen” is an absolute predatorial atrocity. This song is like the anthem to the predators demographic. It’s creepy as fuck and makes me feel like I need a shower after listening to it.

You come on like a dream, peaches and cream, Lips like strawberry wine. You’re sixteen, you’re beautiful and you’re mine. (mine, all mine)

You’re all ribbons and curls, ooh, what a girl, Eyes that sparkle and shine. You’re sixteen, you’re beautiful and you’re mine. (mine, all mine, mine, mine)

I’m sorry but a sixteen year olds girl’s lips do not and should not convey the thought of strawberry wine. First of all, she’s sixteen, you creeper and secondly, what is strawberry wine anyway? I don’t have any experience with the flavored wines but I cannot imagine that drinking them would result in me want to molest a child.

Writers note:

This one time my wife and I went to a winery with another couple. This place prided itself on a particular homemade bottle of swill that they labeled their “Secret.” I thought it tasted like the secret was that they poured a bottle of Windex in it, and chose not to indulge. Later I watched my three fellow bacchanalians vomit in the parking lot. Some secret. Score for me!

Continuing, ribbons and curls? Really? This description brings thoughts of little Shirley Temple to my mind and does not, for even one second, take me down the road of wanting to molesting her. But apparently Mr. Starr sees things differently.

This guy is a freaking Beatle for God’s sake and could have his choice of just about any women he chose yet opts to croon the melodic stylings of child rape? I am at a loss.

I think it’s important to note here that the song, at least syllabically, would have worked just fine if he had said, “You’re eighteen, you’re beautiful, and you’re mine.” Right? All of this could have been avoided if she, whoever she may be, would be of legal age. I cannot imagine that somebody didn’t point that out to Ringo when he proposed this song to the record label. Like, “Hey Ringo, what if we just changed it to her being eighteen so we can avoid all the impending rape scuttlebutt that will inevitably come from this?” Did he argue with them? Did he claim that he was being artistically marginalized? “You’re stifling my creativity man!” Creativity here being rape. Ugh.

Into the Night –

I think it ironically apropos, in a sick way, that the third song on the list also has issues with a sixteen year old.

She’s just sixteen years old Leave her alone, they say

Benny Mardones, whoever the hell that is, took the world by storm with this musical testament to rape back in the late 70’s, as I recall. It really is a good song, by my standards, and Mr. Mardones has a fine voice but why does she have to be sixteen?

Again, as with Ringo Starr, would it really have been that hard to start the song off with, “she’s just eighteen years old?” Eighteen and sixteen have the same number of syllables and eighteen is actually a legal age you creepy fuck.

According to the second line of the song, “Leave her alone, they say,” even his friends are telling him to stop doing this. Dude, this is solid advice. Listen to these people! They are the voice of reason in your life!

As if this whole thing isn’t bad enough, Benny tells his friends that they don’t have a clue. “This is about love and you don’t know a damn thing about it. Nothing’s gonna stop us! We’re in love, man”

Separated by fools Who don’t know what love is yet

Charming.

If I could fly I’d pick you up I’d take you into the night And show you a love Like you’ve never seen – ever seen

These aren’t words to a song, they are escape plans. Pick you up and fly you into the night? And “show you a love like you’ve never seen?” Yeah, I’m sure she hasn’t seen love,Benny, she’s sixteen fucking years old you creepy old bastard.

It’s like having a dream Where nobody has a heart

You mean like her dad? Because you’re 35 years old and stalking his daughter. He probably just doesn’t understand love either.

It’s like having it all And watching it fall apart And I would wait till the end Of time for you

This is apparently the part about where he is serving time. A little advice Ben, you don’t have to wait till “the end”, two more years, when she turns eighteen, would’ve sufficed.

I can’t measure my love There’s nothing to compare it to

I can think of something to compare it to, child molestation.

Another couple of thoughts on this disaster. As if Into the Night wasn’t enough for this guy, the album Never Run Never Hide, also covers two other rape classics, Too Young and Hold Me Down. This guy is clearly making a statement, that he digs kids.

Rock and Roll Part 2 –

Every person that has ever been to or watched a sporting event on television knows this song. I promise that 70 percent of you can’t put a name with the tune but you have heard it dozens of times. The song has no words. How does a song with no words make it on the list of Creepiest Sexual Predator Songs, you ask? Simple, because the guy who recorded it has been sentenced to sixteen years in prison for sexually abusing girls.

Yes, the song played at every NBA and NFL game for as long as I can remember by Mr. Gary Glitter, whose real name is Paul Gadd was sentenced to prison for molesting three girls back in the 70’s. How it took forty years to bring this pig to justice is another story but doesn’t change the fact that this guy is a fucking animal.

Here’s the list of crimes he was found guilty of:

One count of attempted rape, four counts of indecent assault and one count of sexual intercourse with a girl under the age of thirteen.

Nice spread for a guy who is being paid ridiculous amounts of money in licensing fees by the very sports teams we know and love.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that he isn’t allowed in Vietnam for the very same litany of crimes.

I felt compelled to add a photo of this douche bag from his greatest hits album. First of all, Greatest Hits? Seven out of ten of you didn’t even know who this guy is yet he has a hits album? Secondly, if that isn’t the picture of a fucked piece of trash, I don’t know what is. Think Jo Anne Worley after a Halloween bender. Can you imagine the emotional damage done to you having been molested by this guy? As if going thru something like this isn’t bad enough, he’s wearing a metal sleeveless suit with a riveted collar. At least rape me in a fashionable manner. This would be like if the Tin Man got a rusty, metal erection, instead of a heart, and put it to you.

.

Writers note:

Those of you under the age of 45 have no idea who Jo Anne Worley is, so, think Jack Black dressed up as a women who’s dressed up as a man. Make sense? Probably not but neither does it make any sense that the multi-billion dollar professional sports industry uses the music of this freak to pump us up at their games. There is no shame.

Pete Townsend –

Am I the only person who knows that The Who’s Pete Townsend was arrested for downloading child pornography on his computer back in 2003? Every time I bring it up I get the same response, “not Pete Townsend from The Who!?” Well what other fucking Pete Townsend is there that I would bring up? Like, “Hey man, did you hear that Pete Townsend got arrested for looking at child porn?” “What?! The guy from The Who?” “No, not that guy. My garbage man Pete Townsend.” Really? Duh.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge Who fan. I don’t even like The Rolling Stones much because it makes me feel like I’m cheating on The Who. There is a theory out there that says that you can’t be a golfer and a softball player at the same time. The swings are too different and one screws the other. Now, I don’t play softball because it requires running, something I gave up long ago when I decided that smoking was much more fulfilling. But this theory, for me, holds true for The Stones and The Who. Take your pick because you can’t have both. Why? I don’t fucking know. It just is.

I don’t have a particular song to break down from Mr. Townsend but the story is still a peach. So a little over ten years ago, Scotland Yard or some shit like that kicked in Pete’s door and took him to jail for downloading kiddie porn. When questioned by the police, Townsend said that he downloaded the pictures of naked children, he paid seven pounds for the pleasure, so that he could prove that British banks were in bed with, no pun intended, pedophile rings in laundering money. He claimed that his decision to pull the trigger on this filth was “insane” but he had investigating to do. Sort of like a British Inspector Gadget except for Pete isn’t wearing anything under that trench coat.

Investigating? Pete Townsend would not be the guy I would call to investigate any crime let alone pedophiles. I wouldn’t mind asking him to bust his guitar over the molesters head much like he did on stage back in the day but having him sitting on his home computer trying to save the world is not what I would picture from this guy. He also claimed to suffer from White Knights Syndrome. Ha! He felt like looking at pictures of naked kids would help him understand better what it was like for a child to be raped by their uncle. What is this guy talking about?

He also made claim that Russian orphanages were complicit as well. Everybody always blames the Russians for everything.

One small piece I will offer in Old Creepy Pete’s defense is that they didn’t find any other illegal material in his laptop. They did find a lot of lube in the keyboard though which made it difficult to further the investigation.

It took him almost seven years to publicly defend himself against the allegations and claimed that he was suicidal over the whole thing. Seven years? Let me tell you something, if someone accuses me of having anything to do with profiting emotionally or financially from sexual abusing children, I am not going to wait seven fucking years before I say, “uh, hey, I didn’t do that shit.” I mean fucking Winona Ryder called a press conference within hours of her arrest for shoplifting to defend herself against stealing a god-damned sweater from a department store and they had her on video doing it!

Maybe Pete was really trying to be porno Batman, I guess we will never know the truth. Like I said, I’m a huge Who fan and none of it sits right with me. Fucking douche.

So there it is. Please let me know if I’ve left anything out.